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Jokes > Food and Diet Jokes


Stress Diet

This diet is designed to help you cope with the stress that builds up during the day.

Breakfast
  • 1/2 grapefruit
  • 1 slice whole wheat toast - dry
  • 8 oz skim milk

Lunch
  • 4 oz lean broiled chicken breast
  • 1 cup steamed spinach
  • 1 cup herb tea
  • 1 Oreo cookie

Afternoon Snack
  • Rest of the Oreos in the package
  • 2 pints of Rocky Road ice cream
  • 1 jar hot fudge sauce nuts, cherries, whipped cream

Dinner

  • 2 loaves garlic bread with cheese large sausage, mushroom and cheese pizza
  • 4 cans or 1 large pitcher of beer
  • 3 Milky Way or Snickers candy bars

Late Evening News
Entire frozen cheesecake eaten directly from freezer

Rules For This Diet
  1. If you eat something, and no one else sees you eat it, it has no calories.
  2. When drinking a diet soda while eating a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled by the diet soda.
  3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count as long as you don't eat more than they do.
  4. Foods used for medicinal purposes never count. Example: hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee cheesecake.
  5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.
  6. Movie-related foods do not have calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel.
    Example: Milk Duds, buttered popcorn, Junior Mints and Tootsie Rolls.
  7. Cookie pieces contain no calories, because of the process of breaking the cookie causes calorie leakage.
  8. If you are in the process of preparing something, foods licked off knives and spoons have no calories.
  9. Foods of the same color have the same number of calories. Examples: green salad and Key Lime pie, mushrooms and white chocolate.
  10. If you eat the food off someone else's plate, it doesn't count.
  11. If you eat standing up the calories all go to your feet and get walked off.
  12. Food eaten at Christmas parties has no calories, courtesy of Santa.

Special Note: Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other.

Remember: STRESSED is just DESSERTS spelled backward.


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    Last Updated April 1, 2013

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