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The Nursing Home At the Nursing Home a man took his elderly father to a nursing home to check it out. He sat his father down on a sofa in the main aisle way and went to talk with the administrators. The old man started to tilt slowly toward the left. A Doctor came by and said, "Let me help you." The Doctor piled several pillows on the left side of the old man so he would stay upright. The older man started to tilt slowly to the right. An orderly noticed and put several more pillows on his right side to keep him upright. The old man started to lean forward when a nurse came by and piled several pillows in front of him. About this time, the son returned. "Well, Dad, isn't this a nice place." The old man replied, "I guess it's ok, but they won't let me fart."
Old Man and the Young Wife You see this young lad walks out of a store and sees an elderly man sitting on a bench crying. This young lad walks over to the man to check to see if he is O.k.!
Young Lad: Sir, are you Okay?
Old Man: Yes, it's my birthday today (and he is still crying)
Young Lad: Wow, it's a special day for you.
Old Man.: Yes it is. I'm 82 today (and still crying.)
Young Lad: Even better, you look great for your age.
Old Man: Thank you, and I just got married (and he is still crying.)
Young Lad: Married!! Gee, that's great! 82 and married, wow! You've got a whole new life ahead of you.
Old Man: I married a 25 year old.
Young Lad: Holly Molly!! Even better.
Old Man: We have sex every day! (he's till crying)
Young Lad: I don't even have sex everyday, you lucky person you.
Old Man: Yes, I am, and I've forgotten where I lived.
Three Elderly Men Three elderly men are talking about their aches, pains and bodily functions. The seventy-year old man says, "I have this problem. I wake up every morning at seven and it takes me twenty minutes to tinkle."
The eighty-year old man says, "My case is worse. I get up at eight and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a BM."
The ninety-year old says, "At seven I pee like a horse, at eight I flop like a cow."
"So what's your problem?" ask the others.
"I don't wake up until nine."
Growing Old There is this guy who really takes care of his body, he lifts weights and jogs five miles every day. One morning he looks into the mirror and admires his body. he noticed that he is really sun-tanned all over, except his penis, and he decides to do something about it. He goes to the beach, strips completely and buries himself in the sand, except for his penis sticking out of the sand.
Two little old ladies are strolling along the beach and one looks down and says "There is no justice in this world".
The other lady says, "What do you mean?"
The first lady says, "Look at that". When I was 10 Years old I was afraid of it. When I was 20, I was curious about it. When I was 30, I enjoyed it. When I was 40, I asked for it. When I was 50, I paid for it. When I was 60, I prayed for it. When I was 70, I forgot about it. And now that I'm 80, the damn things are growing wild!
An Interesting Thought
More money is spent today in Viagra and breast reconstruction than on Alzheimer's research. So by the year 2040, there will be lots of elderly people walking around with perky boobs, huge erections, and no idea what to do with them.
The Hunting Lodge One night, at the lodge of a hunting club, two new members were being introduced to other members and shown around. The man leading them around said, "See that old man asleep in the chair by the fireplace? He is our oldest member and can tell you some hunting stories you'll never forget." They awakened the old man and asked him to tell them a hunting story.
"Well, I remember back in 1944, we went on a lion hunting exposition in Africa. We were on foot and hunted for three days without seeing a thing. On the fourth day, I was so tired I had to rest my feet. I found a fallen tree, so I laid my gun down, propped my head on the tree, and fell asleep. I don't know how long I was asleep when I was awakened by a noise in the bushes. I was reaching for my gun when the biggest lion I ever seen jumped out of the bushes at me like this, ROOOAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!....... I tell you, I just shit my pants."
The young men looked astonished and one of them said, "I don't blame you, I would have shit my pants too if a lion jumped out at me."
The old man shook his head and said, "No, no, not then, just now when I said ROOOAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!"
Not That Far
Sally, a difficult independent 75 year old, liked sitting by the park feeding the pigeons. One day she brought with her a whole bun of fresh bread just to feed her daily company. Little by little, pinch-by-pinch, she fed each pigeon with joy. She sat there without being noticed by anyone in our rich suburban neighborhood.
Then suddenly a man in his early 40's rained on my mom's parade by telling her that she shouldn't throw away good food on a bunch of pigeons that can find food anywhere... when there are a lot of people starving in Africa, says the stranger.
Then my mother said in crazed anger and without hesitation, "Well, hell, I can't throw that far!"
More Geriatric Jokes ==> Page 1 2 3
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Last Updated April 1, 2013
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