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- I've made so many movies playing a hooker that they don't pay me in the regular way any more. They leave it on the dresser.
--- Shirley Maclaine
- Never try to teach a pig to sing; it wastes your time and it annoys the pig.
--- Paul Dickson
- America is a large, friendly dog in a very small room. every time it wags its tail it knocks over a chair.
--- A.J. Toynbee
- America is a country where you buy a lifetime supply of aspirin for one dollar, and use it up in two weeks.
--- John Barrymore
- Bores can be divided into two classes; those who have their own particular subject, and those who do not need a subject.
--- A.A. Milne.
- Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
--- Robert A. Heinlein.
- I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph.
--- Shirley Temple.
- When a man goes on a date he wonders if he is going to get lucky. A woman already knows.
--- Frederick Ryder.
- They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.
--- Garrison Keillor.
- Those who welcome death have only tried it from the ears up.
--- Wilson Mizner.
- You never realize how short a month is until you pay alimony.
--- John Barrymore.
- IEconomists report that a college education adds many thousands of dollars to a man's lifetime income - which he then spends sending his son to college.
--- Bill Vaughan.
- When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.
--- Mae West.
- Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes.
--- Robert Hutchins.
- I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
--- Noel Coward.
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Last Updated April 1, 2013
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