Jokes > Dating Jokes and Courting Jokes
was their first date, and she'd shown the patience of a saint as he babbled on
and on about his hobbies, his pet peeves, his driving techniques, and even the
standards he used to choose his barber.
he came up for air and said, "But enough about me. Let's talk about
breathed a sigh of relief.
went on, "What do you think about me?"
Sure to Carry Your Lantern
sees Elmer walking with a lantern and asks, "Where ya
son smiled and replied, "I'm a-going courting Peggy-Sue."
Father said, "When I went a-courtin', I didn't need me no
Pa, I know." the boy said. "And look what you got !"
Submitted by a Dad
10 SIMPLE RULES FOR DATING MY DAUGHTER
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering
a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at
her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If
you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I
will remove them.
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age
to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling
off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and
all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair
and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise:
You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your
pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in
order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off
during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my
electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without
utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me
elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each
other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of
the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require
from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter
safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on
this subject is "early."
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities
to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay
with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my
little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she
is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to
appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget.
If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be
dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can
take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of
just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like
changing the oil in my car?
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my
daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer
than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents,
policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is
darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or
happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough
to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff
T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose
down parka -- zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong
romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features
chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding,
middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my
daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless God of your universe.
If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one
chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the
truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the
house. Do not trifle with me.
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to
mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper
coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange
starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to
clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As
soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with
both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce
in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely
and early, then return to your car -- there is no need for you to
come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
Dating Vs Marriage
When you are dating..... Farting is never an issue.
When you are married ....You make sure there's nothing flammable near
your husband at all times.
When you are dating..... He takes you out to have a good time.
When you are married ....He brings home a 6 pack, and says "What are you
going to drink?"
When you are dating..... He holds your hand in public.
When you are married ....He flicks your ear in public.
When you are dating..... A Single bed for 2 isn't THAT bad.
When you are married ....A King size bed feels like an army cot.
When you are dating..... You are turned on at the sight of him naked.
When you are married ....You think to yourself "Was he ALWAYS this
When you are dating..... You enjoyed foreplay.
When you are married ....You tell him "If we have sex, will you leave me
When you are dating..... He hugs you, when he walks by you for no
When you are married ....He grabs your boob any chance he gets.
When you are dating..... You picture the two of you together, growing
When you are married ....You wonder who will die first.
When you are dating..... Just looking at him makes you feel all "mushy."
When you are married ....When you look at him, you want to claw his eyes
When you are dating..... He knows what the "hamper" is.
When you are married ....The floor will suffice as a dirty clothes
When you are dating..... He understands if you "Aren't in the mood."
When you are married ....He says "It's your job."
When you are dating..... He understands that you have "male" friends.
When you are married ....He thinks they are all out to steal you away.
When you are dating..... He likes to "discuss" things.
When you are married ....He develops a "blank" stare.
When you are dating..... He calls you by name.
When you are married ....He calls you "Hey" and refers to you when
speaking to others as "She."
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Last Updated April 1, 2013
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