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Comebacks, Sarcasm and Insults for All Occasions

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Obnoxious Jokes and Insults > Comebacks, Sarcasm and Insults for All Occasions.
If you have some that you especially like and you don't see it here. Drop us an email.

  • How about never? Is never good for you?

  • You sound reasonable... Time to up the medication.

  • I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

  • I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

  • Ahhh... I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again

  • I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

  • I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

  • You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

  • I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

  • I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

  • I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.

  • It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.

  • I can see your point, but I still think you're full of it.

  • What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

  • Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

  • I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.

  • I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

  • His teeth are brighter than he is.

  • No, my powers can only be used for good.

  • We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

  • The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

  • I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

  • Who me? I just wander from room to room.

  • I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

  • It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

Here's a come back when someone calls you shorty.

I might be short but you're ugly and I still have time to grow!

Cross Examination

A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial - it went like this:

Attorney: Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?

Officer: No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.

D.A.: Officer, who provided this description?

Officer: The officer who responded to the scene.

D.A.: A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?

Officer: Yes sir, with my life.

D.A.: With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a locker room in the police station - a room where you change your clothes in preparation for you daily duties?

Officer: Yes sir, we do.

D.A.: And do you have a locker in that room?

Officer: Yes sir, I do.

D.A.: And do you have a lock on your locker?

Officer: Yes sir.

D.A.: Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers?

Officer: You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.

The courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called.

Now THAT's what I call a comeback !!

The following interview has been attributed to both General Cosgrove and U.S. Army Lieutenant General Reinwald. In reality, this specific interview did not happen with either one. However, it would have been an interesting banter, if it had been true. For the sake of ease of presentation, we will use General Cosgrove's name.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL COSGROVE: Weíre going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! Thatís a bit irresponsible, isnít it?

GENERAL COSGROVE: I donít see why, theyíll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Donít you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL COSGROVE: I donít see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But youíre equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL COSGROVE: Well, Maíam, youíre equipped to be a prostitute, but youíre not one, are you?

Here's a different version of the above story.

A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife liked to read.

One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap. Although she wasn't familiar with the lake, the wife decided to take the boat out.

She rowed out a short distance, anchored, and returned to reading her book. Along came the sheriff in his boat. He pulled up alongside her and said, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading my book" she replies as she thinks to herself, "Isn't it obvious?"

"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informed her.

"But officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?"

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with rape," snapped the irate woman.

"But, I haven't even touched you," groused the sheriff.

"Yes, that's true," she replied, "but you do have all the equipment."

Recommended Reading

Giant Book of Put-Downs, Insults & Excuses
by Maureen Kushner, Joseph Resenbloom, Joseph Rosenbloom

Stick Up for Yourself : Every Kid's Guide to Personal Power & Positive Self-Esteem
by Gershen Kaufman, et al

How to Handle Bullies, Teasers and Other Meanies: A Book That Takes the Nuisance Out of Name Calling and Other Nonsense
by Kate Cohen-Posey, Betsy A. Lampe (Illustrator)

Words Will Never Hurt Me: Helping Kids Handle Teasing, Bullying and Putdowns
by Sally Northway Ogden (Illustrator), Margaret Smith (Editor)

Last Updated April 1, 2013
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