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Comebacks > Quotable Quotes - Insults and Comebacks.  
If you have some that you especially like and you don't see it here. Drop us an email.

  • I can't believe that out of 10,000 sperm, you were the quickest.
    ~Steven Pearl

  • I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
    ~Groucho Marx

  • Coolidge was known for his terse speech and reticence. A woman bet her friend that she could get Coolidge to speak to her, which was something he was reluctant to do.
    She went up to him and said: "Hello, Mr. President, I bet my friend that I could get you to say three words to me."
    "You lose," Coolidge replied dryly, and walked away.
    ~Author Unknown

  • Just the omission of Jane Austen's books alone would make a fairly good library out of a library that hadn't a book in it.
    ~Mark Twain

  • Lady Nancy Astor, Viscountess: "If you were my husband, Winston, I should flavour your coffee with poison."
    Winston Churchill: "If I were your husband, madam, I should drink it."
    ~Author Unknown

  • She looked as if she had been poured into her clothes and had forgotten to say "when."
    ~P.G. Wodehouse

  • Yes, Agassiz does recommend authors to eat fish, because the phosphorus in it makes brain. So far you are correct. But I cannot help you to a decision about the amount you need to eat - at least, not with certainty. If the specimen composition you send is about your fair usual average, I should judge that a couple of whales would be all you would want for the present. Not the largest kind, but simply good middling-sized whales.
    ~Mark Twain

  • Dustin Farnum: "I've never been better! In the last act yesterday, I had the audience glued to their seats."
    Oliver Herford: "How clever of you to think of it."
    ~Author Unknown

  • I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top.
    ~English professor, Ohio University

  • I could eat alphabet soup and shit better lyrics.
    ~Johnny Mercer, on a British musical

  • I love Wagner, but the music I prefer is that of a cat hung up by its tail outside a window and trying to stick to the panes of glass with its claws.
    ~Charles Baudelaire

  • The problem with the gene pool is that there's no lifeguard.
    ~David Gerrold

  • The trouble with her is that she lacks the power of conversation but not the power of speech.
    ~ George Bernard Shaw

  • This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.
    ~Dorothy Parker, book review

  • During his 1956 presidential campaign, a woman called out to Adlai E. Stevenson: "Senator, you have the vote of every thinking person!".
    Stevenson called back "That's not enough, madam, we need a majority!
    ~Author Unknown

Recommended Reading

Giant Book of Put-Downs, Insults & Excuses
by Maureen Kushner, Joseph Resenbloom, Joseph Rosenbloom

Stick Up for Yourself : Every Kid's Guide to Personal Power & Positive Self-Esteem
by Gershen Kaufman, et al

How to Handle Bullies, Teasers and Other Meanies: A Book That Takes the Nuisance Out of Name Calling and Other Nonsense
by Kate Cohen-Posey, Betsy A. Lampe (Illustrator)

Words Will Never Hurt Me: Helping Kids Handle Teasing, Bullying and Putdowns
by Sally Northway Ogden (Illustrator), Margaret Smith (Editor)

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Last Updated April 1, 2013

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