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Profession Jokes > Psychologist and Psychiatrists Jokes


The Difference between a Psychotic and Neurotic
A psychotic thinks that two and two are five. 
A neurotic knows two and two are four -- but he hates it.


A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "NO! I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology, and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?!"


Two psychologists meet at their twentieth college reunion. One of them looks like he just graduated, while the other psychologist looks old, worried and withered. The older looking one asks the other, "What's your secret? Listening to other people's problems every day, all day long, for years on end, has made an old man of me." The younger looking one replies, "Who listens?"

Psychiatrist to his nurse: "Just say we're very busy. Don't keep saying 'It's a madhouse.'"

Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for a man then for a women?
Because when it's time to go back to childhood, a man is already there.

Neurotics build castles in the sky.
Psychotics live in them.
Psychiatrists collect the rent.

Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.
  • If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
  • If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
  • If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
  • If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
  • If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
  • If you are depressed, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.
  • If you are delusional and occasionally hallucinate, please be aware that the thing you are holding on the side of your head is alive and about to bite off your ear.

A man goes to a Psychologist and says, "Doc I got a real problem, I can't stop thinking about sex." 

The Psychologist says, "Well let's see what we can find out", and pulls out his ink blots. "What is this a picture of?" he asks. 

The man turns the picture upside down then turns it around and states, "That's a man and a woman on a bed making love." 

The Psychologist says, "very interesting," and shows the next picture. "And what is this a picture of?" 

The man looks and turns it in different directions and says, "That's a man and a woman on a bed making love." 

The Psychologists tries again with the third ink blot, and asks the same question, "What is this a picture of?" 

The patient again turns it in all directions and replies, "That's a man and a woman on a bed making love." 

The Psychologist states, "Well, yes, you do seem to be obsessed with sex." 

"Me!?" demands the patient. "You're the one who keeps showing me the dirty pictures!"

What happens when a psychiatrist and a hooker spend the night together?
In the morning each of them says: "120 dollars, please."

A young woman took her troubles to a psychiatrist. "Doctor, you must help me," she pleaded. "It's gotten so that every time I date a nice guy, I end up in bed with him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week."

"I see," nodded the psychiatrist. "And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter."

"For God's sake, NO!" exclaimed the woman. "I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterward."

What is the difference between a psychiatrist and a psychologist?
If you say to a psychiatrist "I hate my mother," he will ask "Why do you say that?"

While a psychologist will say "Thank you for sharing that with us."


A psychologist returned from a conference in Aspen lodge, where all the psychologists were permitted to ski for free.

Her husband asked her, "How it went?"

She replied, "Fine, but I've never seen so many Freudians slips."


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    Last Updated April 1, 2013

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