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Science Jokes > Chemistry Jokes.  
These jokes are for all those great Chemists out there. Read and hopefully enjoy. If you have some that you especially like and you don't see it here. Drop us an email.

A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?"
The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."

Did you hear about the chemist who was reading a book about helium and just couldn't put it down?

Two atoms are walking down the street and they run in to each other. One says to the other, "Are you all right?"
"No, I lost an electron!"
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah, I'm positive!"

Why do chemists like nitrates so much?
They're cheaper than day rates.

What element do women use to get dates?

What did the chemist say to a chic babe when he passed by her in his sports car?
Radon baby!

Where does one put the dishes?

What does one do if one can't zwim?

What happens when electrons lose their energy?
They get Bohr'ed. What are?

What is Ba(Na)2 ?

What is NaCl(aq), NaCl(aq), C C C C C C C ?
Saline, saline, over the seven Cs

What do you do when you find a dead chemist?

What is the purpose of a doctor?

What do you call a convict who dresses up as a clown?

From way down in my cranium
This prediction I will make:
That if you eat uranium,
You'll get atomic ache.

Sex Life of an Electron
Once upon a time there lived a young electron called Micro Farad. One night young Micro Farad was feeling pretty highly charged; so he decided to find a cute coil to help him discharge his potential.

He went round to Millie Amp's flat, put her on his pick-up and took her for a ride on his megacycle. They rode across a wheatstone bridge and stopped at a magnetic field by a flowing current. Micro Farad, attracted by Millie Amp's characteristic curves soon had her fully charged and excited, and her resistance dropped to its minimum value.

He then took out his tension probe and inserted it into her socket, connecting them in parallel, and began short circuiting her shunt using maxwell's corkscrew rule.

Fully excited Millie Amp began moaning, " Mho, mho, give me mho ". With Micro's discharge tube operating at maximum current flow, Millie soon reached her peak level. The excessive current overheated her shunt and she lost all her electrons.

They fluxed all night, trying various connections until Micro's magnet had a soft iron core and lost its field strength. At a square wave length from Micro, Millie tried self-induction and damaged her solenoids. Meanwhile with the battery fully discharged, Micro was unable to excite his field, so they spent the rest of the night reversing polarity and blowing each other's fuses.

Whiskey Worms

A chemistry teacher one day decided to teach his class about the dangers of alcohol.

He thought up a neat little experiment, and showed it to his class.

He had two glass tumblers, one filled with clean water, and the other with whiskey. He placed a live worm in each glass. The worm in water was perfectly fine, however the worm which was dropped in whiskey died almost instantly.

Rather pleased with the experiment, he decided to ask the class what they could deduce from it. The class were silent for several seconds, until one boy at the back called out: "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms!"

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    Last Updated April 1, 2013

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