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Hot and Funny Coffee Jokes

Coffee Jokes

Coffee is a staple in the lives of many people. It is a drink that can be enjoyed any time of day. There are many jokes that have been made about coffee. Coffee jokes are a common topic for people who enjoy a good laugh. They are not only funny but also a great way to start a conversation with someone, especially first thing in the morning at work.

Here are some of the funniest coffee jokes that have been shared on the internet.

The Funniest Java Jokes (aka Coffee Jokes)

We have these funny coffee jokes broken out into categories just for you. Enjoy!

The Best One Liner Coffee Puns and Jokes

How are coffee beans like kids?
They’re always getting grounded!

How did the hipster burn his tongue? A: He drank his coffee before it was cool.

Why are Italians so good at making coffee?
Because they know how to espresso themselves.

How does a tech guy drink coffee?
He installs Java!

What did the Italian guy say when he was teased?
Don’t mocha me!

What did the cup of coffee say when she didn’t make it on time?
Sorry I’m latte

Why did the cup of coffee lift the milk jug?
That was strong coffee

What did the barista say when asked to heal a tired dog?
I’ll give it my best shot!

What did the mommy coffee bean say to the naughty little coffee bean?
You’re grounded!

What did the mommy coffee bean say when the naughty little coffee bean came home late?
Where have you bean?

What do brave coffee grounds do?
They take the plunger

What do you say to a sick coffee bean?
What’s Sumatra with you?

Why can’t cups of coffee go to Hogwarts?
They’re muggles

What did the bored coffee drinker say?
Bean there, done that

Why did the hipster burn his tongue on the coffee?
He drank it before it was cool

How does Moses make coffee?
Hebrews it

What do cups of coffee say when they see a friend?
How are you doing percolately?

Where do bad cups of coffee go when they die?
To perca-tory

What do you call it when you drop your coffee mug?
A coffee break

What are coffee websites coded in?
JavaScript

What do you call coffee with sunglasses and tattoos?
Cool beans

What did the excited cup of coffee say to the coffee drinker?
Pour some sugar on me, baby!

What did the coffee say to the boiling water?
We’ll kettle this in court

Why was the instant cup of coffee so rude?
He had no filter

Why was the cup of coffee top of the class?
She was a beverage

What do Americans drink in the morning?
A cup of Joe Biden

What do South Africans drink in the morning?
A cup of Johannesburg

What is the last thing Batman will drink in the morning?
A cup of Joker

Why couldn’t the woman throw her coffee plunger away?
It had sedimental value

What did the cup of coffee say to his friend?
What’s up, brew?

Why can’t you hang around coffee shops at night?
You’ll get mugged

What did the woman say to the man who never cleaned the coffee plunger?
This is grounds for divorce

Why did the cup of coffee marry her man?
He kept her grounded

How should you react when a place has bottomless coffee?
With bottomless thanks

Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Very, very seriously.

What do you call sad coffee?
Despresso.

What’s the best Beatles song?
Latte Be!

Why didn’t the cup of coffee make it into the hip hop video?
She was bottomless

Why is it good to have a job in the coffee industry?
There are lots of perks

What do waiters who don’t bring the coffee quickly enough get?
Lukewarm applause

How do you get enough coffee for a cup?
By any beans necessary!

Who makes the coffee on Tatooine?
Java the hut

Why should you never discuss coffee in public?
It can get heated

What happens if you drink the same kind of coffee too much?
You get deja-brew

What do coffee-loving councilors tell the patients in rehab?
Choose mugs not drugs

What do you call it when you put off drinking coffee until tomorrow?
Procaffeinating

Why should you be wary of 25-cent espresso?
It’s a cheap shot.

What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.

What’s a coffee’s favorite spell?
Espresso Patronum!

What’s a barista’s favorite exercise at the gym?
The French press.

What’s it called when you steal someone’s coffee? 
A mugging!

How is divorce like an Espresso? 
It’s expensive and bitter.

What do gossiping pots do?
Spill the beans.

How did the hipster burn their tongue? 
They drank their coffee before it was cool.

What do you call a cow who’s just given birth? 
De-calf-inated.

What is a bean’s favorite thing to eat on Thanksgiving?
Roast.

Why did the kangaroo stop drinking his cup of coffee?
It made him too jumpy.

What did the coffee say to their date?
Hey there, hot stuff!

What did the two coffee enthusiasts say when they got married?
We’re meant to bean together!

What do beans say to their Valentines?
You keep me grounded.

What do you call a cow who’s just given birth?
De-calf-inated!

If the local coffee shop has awarded you “Employee of the Month” and you don’t even work there, you may be drinking too much coffee.

How did the hipster burn his tongue?
He drank his coffee before it was cool.

Where do birds go for coffee?
To the NESTcafe.

What did the coffee addict say to his doctor?
I don’t have a problem with coffee. I have a problem without it!

What’s it called when you steal someone’s coffee?
Mugging!

I drink so much coffee at work, I consider it part of my daily grind.

What’s the difference between coffee and your opinion?
I asked for coffee.

Why did the coffee file a police report?
Because it was mugged.

How does a tech guy drink coffee?
He installs Java!

What do you call it when cafe customers joke about their coffee?
A brewhaha.

What does a coffee lover say when they’re hitting on you?
I’ve been thinking about you a latte.

Why do they call coffee mud?
Because it was ground a couple of minutes ago.

Why are Italians so good at making coffee?
Because they know how to espresso themselves.

How are coffee beans like kids?
They’re always getting grounded!

What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.

Why are all Jewish men required to make a good cup of coffee?
Because according to the Torah, He Brews!

Someone stole my coffee cup from work today.
I’m just off down the police station now to look at a few mug shots.

How does one bad cup of coffee end a marriage?
One person thinks it’s grounds for divorce.

What do you call it when you walk into a cafe you’re sure you’ve been to before?
Déjà brew.

What did the barista’s Valentine say?
I can’t espresso my love for you.

What’s the technical name for a pot of coffee at work?
Break fluid. 

A man went to his psychiatrist and complained that every time he drinks coffee, he would get a stabbing pain in his right eye.
The psychiatrist said, “Well, have you tried taking the spoon out?”

I just got myself a top of the range coffee maker.
It has a lot of perks.

A guy walks into a cafe and orders a coffee to go.
The coffee gets up and leaves.

What currency can we use to buy coffee in space?
S T A R B U C K S.

Why do I not like hot drinks?
It’s just not my cup of tea.

What’s a coffee’s favorite karaoke song?
Hit Me With your Best Shot!

What’s its favorite Bob Marley song?
Don’t Worry, Be Frappé.

How did Henry VIII like his coffee?
Decap.

What’s a barista’s favorite morning mantra?
Rise and grind!

What did the coffees say before their night out?
Let’s stir up some trouble!

What’s a barista’s favorite exercise at the gym?
The French press.

Coffee Songs, Puns and other Witticisms

Coffee Lovers Top Ten Hits Songs

  • Living la vida mocha – Ricky Martin
  • Don’t worry, be frappe – Coffee McFerrin
  • Everything I brew, I brew it for you – Bryan Adams
  • Say it loud, I’m black and I’m proud – James (Ellis) Brown
  • I’ve bean waiting for you – ABBA
  • Pour some sugar on me – Def Leppard
  • Espresso yourself – Madonna
  • Have I told you percolately that I love you – Rod Brew-it
  • You’re brewtiful – James Blunt
  • I like big cups and I cannot lie – Sir Blendalot

10 Mugnificent Coffee Puns

  • I want to expresso my love for you
  • I had a coffee pun but affogato it
  • I’ve got a latte problems
  • The end justifies the beans
  • How do you take your coffee? Seriously!
  • I don’t give a frap
  • Sip me baby one more time!
  • You mocha me happy
  • Bean me up, Scotty!
  • Stay grounded!

You Know You’ve Been Drinking Way Too Much Coffee When…..

  • Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
  • You haven’t blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
  • You just completed another sweater and you don’t know how to knit.
  • The only time you’re standing still is during an earthquake.
  • The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
  • Your so jittery that people use your hands to shake paint cans.
  • You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it’s not plugged in.
  • Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.
  • Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.
  • When you call radio talk shows, they ask you to turn yourself down.
  • Your life goal is to amount to a hill of beans.
  • You channel surf faster without a remote.
  • You name your cats “Cream” and “Sugar.”
  • You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
  • You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
  • You short out motion detectors.
  • Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
  • You think being called a “drip” is a compliment.
  • You help your dog chase its tail.
  • You’re up to four heart attacks a day.
  • Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyd’s of London.
  • You introduce your spouse as your coffeemate.
  • You think CPR stands for “Coffee Provides Resuscitation.”
  • Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.
  • You think Columbia would be a great vacation destination!
  • You’re passing everybody on the freeway when you suddenly realize: you left your car at home!

You Might Be a Caffeine Addict If …

  • every coffee company wants to have your picture on their packs of coffee powder.
  • it’s 6:09 AM and you’re on your 2nd 20oz. cup of coffee.
  • Starbucks has decided to use you as their official mascot.
  • you’ve ever carried your coffee cup into the shower with you in the morning.
  • the dishes in your house are all coffee cups.
  • you ask, “Sleep? What’s that?”
  • you believe that the coffee bean is a vegetable.
  • you can name the five flavors of JOLT.
  • you can’t remember the last time you blinked.
  • you could live in a desert like a hermit, eating bugs for food, as long as you had enough coffee beans with you.
  • you drink decaf by accident and slip into a coma.
  • you go to sleep just to wake up and smell the coffee.
  • you go to the doctor because you’re afraid there might be blood in your Mountain Dew stream.
  • you have a mini-fridge under your desk… and a catheter.
  • you have a website about caffeine
  • you have dark brown colored hair but you are a natural blonde and have never dyed it.
  • you have distilled Jolt Cola to make it more potent.
  • you have on more than one occasion snorted instant coffee.
  • you have tattooed across the knuckles of your hands “JOLT” and “COLA”
  • you have to drink some form of caffeinated beverage just to sleep.
  • you know from experience caffeine tablets don’t dissolve in cola.
  • you regard the fact that your hands are shaking as a good sign.
  • you think sleep is for the weak.
  • you wake up to Mountain Dew, before switching to JOLT.
  • you’d rather be beaten over the head with a sledgehammer than give up that first cup of coffee in the morning.
  • your birthday is a national holiday in Colombia.
  • your child’s name is Nescafe.
  • your coffee pot is next to your bed and your alarm clock is in the kitchen.
  • your dog’s name is Starbucks.
  • your heart beats noticeably faster as a reaction to the smell of coffee.
  • your heart only beats twice an hour and your eyes won’t shut anymore.
  • your heart rate is always in triple digits.
  • your slogan is “Save water, drink coffee.”
  • your web page has the Mountain Dew color scheme.

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