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The Funniest Bird Jokes

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Bird Jokes

If you’re looking for a little levity, these bird jokes are sure to get you tweeting with laughter. From clever one-liners to silly puns, there’s something here for everyone.

So spread your wings and get ready to soar with laughter at these avian-inspired jokes! 


The Funniest Bird Jokes Ever

One Liner Bird Jokes

What’s got wings, feathers, and fangs? Count Duckula

What does an eagle like to write with? A bald-point pen.

Where does a peacock go when it loses its tail? A re-tail store!

What books did the owl like? Hoot-dunits!

What do you get when you cross a parrot and a shark ? A bird that talks your ear off

How do lovebirds dance? Chick to chick.

What do you give a sick bird? Tweetment!

Why do birds fly south for the winter? Because it’s too far to walk!

If a rooster lays an egg on the middle of a slanted roof, on which side will it fall? Neither side. Roosters don’t lay eggs!

What figure is like a lost parrot? A polygon

Which animal grows down ? A duck.

Why did the little bird get in trouble at school? Because he was caught tweeting on a test!

Why did the chicken cross the playground? Because it wanted to get to the other slide!

How did the bubblegum cross the road? On the bottom of the chicken’s foot!

What does a duck like to eat with soup? Quackers

Why do seagulls live near the sea? Because if they lived near the bay, they would be called bagels.

Why does a flamingo stand on one leg? Because if he lifted that leg off the ground he would fall down.

Did you hear the story about the peacock ? No? but I heard it’s a beautiful tale (tail)!

What do you get if you cross a chicken with a cow ? Roost beef! What bird is always sad? The blue jay.

Two Parrots

This lady approaches a priest and tells him, “Father, I these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing: ‘Hi, we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?’ “

“That’s terrible!” the priest exclaimed, “but I have a solution to your problem. You can put them with my two male talking parrots. I taught them to read the bible and pray the rosary.”

The lady brings over her parrots and puts them in the priest’s cage. “Hi, we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?” they say.

One male parrot looks over at the other and exclaims, “Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!”

Hey Lady!

A lady is walking down the street to work and she sees a parrot in a pet store. The parrot says to her, “Hey lady, you are really ugly.” Well, the lady is furious!

And she storms past the store to her work. On the way home she saw the same parrot in the window and the parrot said to her, “Hey lady, you are really ugly.” Well, she was incredibly ticked now.

The next day see saw the same parrot and the parrot said to her, “Hey lady, you are really ugly.” The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird.

The store manager said, “That’s not good.” and promised he wouldn’t say it again. When the lady walked past the store after work the parrot said to her, “Hey lady.” She paused and said, “Yes?” and the bird said, “You know.”

Christmas Parrot

A few days before Christmas, a man enters a pet store looking for a unique gift for his wife.

The store manager tells him he has just what he’s looking for; a beautiful parrot named Chet that sings Christmas carols. He brings the husband over to a colorful but quiet bird. The man agrees that Chet certainly is pretty, but he doesn’t seem to be much for singing. The manager tells him to watch as he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a lighter.

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The manager then clicks the lighter and holds it under Chet’s left foot. Immediately Chet starts singing; “Silent Night, Holy Night.” The husband is very impressed with Chet’s singing abilities and watches as the manager moves the lighter underneath Chet’s right foot. Chet now starts to sing “Jingle Bells, Jingle All the Way.” The husband says Chet is perfect and that he’ll take him.

The husband rushes home to his wife and insists upon giving her this wonderful gift immediately. He presents Chet and starts to explain the parrot’s special talent. Demonstrating, he holds a lighter under Chet’s left foot and the bird sings “Silent Night.” He then moves the lighter under the right foot and Chet lets loose a round of “Jingle Bells.”

The wife is absolutely impressed, and with a mischievous grin asks her husband what happens if he holds the lighter between Chet’s legs instead. Curious the husband moves the lighter between the bird’s legs, and the bird begins to sing—

Chet’s Nuts Roasting on an Open Fire!

A Smart Parrot

A young man’s mother was now living in Miami Beach and he didn’t see her that often. His father was no longer around and he was worried that his mom was lonely. For her birthday, he purchased a rare parrot, trained to speak seven languages. He had a courier deliver the bird to his dear mother. A few days later, he called.

“Ma, what do you think of the bird?”

“The bird was good, but a little tough. I should have cooked it longer.”

“You ate the bird? Ma, the bird was very expensive. It spoke seven languages!”

“Oh, excuse me. But, if the bird was so smart, why didn’t it say something when I put it in the oven?”

Swearing Parrot

There’s this fellow with a parrot. And this parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he’s a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird’s foul mouth is driving him crazy.

One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, “QUIT IT!” But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.

Then the guy gets mad and says, “OK for you,” and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invectives that would make a veteran sailor blush. At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer.

For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets VERY quiet.

At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he’s so worried that he opens up the freezer door.

The bird calmly climbs onto the man’s out-stretched arm and says, “Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I’ll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on.” The man is astounded. He can’t understand the transformation that has come over the parrot.

Then the parrot says, “By the way, what did the chicken do?”

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Come In

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The mail carrier had a registered letter that needed a signature for a party on his route. Receiving no response to his knock on the front door, he went around to the back door which he found open, except for the screen door. He knocked. A high pitch voice from inside said, “Come in.”

Upon entering the kitchen, he was confronted by the largest German Shepard he had ever seen. The dog bared his fangs menacingly, forcing the mail man against the wall. The mail man shouted, “Lady, call off you dog before he eats me alive.” The only response he got was that same high pitch voice coming from the next room saying, “Come in.”

Pressing his body against the wall, he slowly worked his way to the door way leading to the next room. Looking around, he saw the room was empty, except for a parrot in a cage. After the threat from the huge dog, he was becoming quite irate and said to the parrot.

“Darn you, don’t you know any words besides ‘Come in?”

Without a moments hesitation the parrot responded, “Sic him!!!”

Expensive Parrots

A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical-looking parrots on a perch and says, “The parrot on the left costs $500.” “Why does the parrot cost so much?” asks the customer. The owner says “Well, the parrot knows how to do legal research.”

The customer then asks about the next parrot, to be told that this one costs $1,000 because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to write a brief that will win any case.

Naturally, the increasingly startled customer asks about the third parrot, to be told that it costs $4,000. Needless to say, this begs the question, “What can it do?”

To which the owner replies, “To be honest, I’ve never seen her do a thing, but the other two call her Senior Partner

A Rude Parrot

Marilyn had a parrot for a pet, but the parrot would embarrass her whenever she came into the apartment with a man. He would shout all kinds of obscenities, always leading off with “Somebody’s gonna get it tonight!” In desperation, Marilyn went to her local pet shop and explained her parrot problem to the pet shop proprietor.

“What you need,” he said, “is a female parrot too. I don’t have one on hand, but I’ll order one. Meanwhile, you could borrow this female owl until the female parrot arrives.”

Marilyn took the owl home and put it near her parrot. It was immediately obvious that the parrot didn’t care for the owl. He glared at it. That night, Marilyn wasn’t her usual nervous self as she opened the door to bring her gentlemen friend in for a nightcap. Then suddenly she heard the parrot screech and she knew that things hadn’t changed.

“Somebody’s gonna get it tonight! Somebody’s gonna get it tonight!” the parrot said.
The owl said, “Who? Who?”

And the parrot said, “Not you, you big-eyed Son of a Bitch.”

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Myna Bird With a Small Vocabulary

There was an elderly lady who lived by herself. She decided that it would be nice to have a talking parrot to keep her company. So the elderly lady went to the pet store and the owner of the store asked her how much she wished to spend. She was on Social Security so she had only $20.00 to spend.

The owner sadly informed the lady that there was no way she could buy a talking parrot for only $20.00. “But, there is a possibility!” he said.

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And the store owner brought out a black myna bird on a perch, and said, “You can have this myna bird for $20, but he only speaks one phrase, all he can say is ‘WHO IS IT?’…that’s the limit of his vocabulary.”

The lady was ecstatic. She paid the $20, and took the bird home. When she got home, she placed the perch near the front door and went out to get a cage and some birdseed, and other items she thought her new companion might like. After the lady drove off, the man from the butcher shop showed up with his weekly delivery. He knocked on the door.

“Who is it!?” shrieked the myna bird.

“It’s the butcher!” said the man.

“Who is it!?” repeated the bird.

“Lady, it’s the butcher!”…

“Who is it!?”

“Lady, it’s the butcher!”

“Who is it!?”

(now exasperated beyond limit) “Lady! I said it’s the G@$$a&&ed butcher!”

“Who is it!?”

Then the man suffers a heart attack, and falls dead face onto the ground in front of the front door. The lady returns from her shopping and sees the dead body, she opens the door and says “Oh my god! Who is it?!”

…and the myna bird promptly says, “It’s the butcher!!!”

Where’s my Coffee?

On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks “And get me a whisky you cow!” The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee.

When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls “And get me another whisky you bitch”. Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee.

Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot’s approach “I’ve asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I’ll kick your ass”.

Next moment both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says “For someone who can’t fly you’re a lippy son-of-a-gun!”

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The Parrot and the Magician

A magician on a cruise liner had a parrot, who’d seen all the magician’s tricks a jillion times, long ago having figured out how the magician made everything in the act disappear. The parrot got bored, his owner growing stale and not developing any new tricks that the parrot could figure out.

One night in the middle of the magician’s performance, the ship hit an iceberg and sank. Everyone drowned except the magician and the parrot. The magician managed to swim to a piece of wreckage and climb aboard, immediately collapsing from exhaustion.

Soon afterward, the parrot flew to the magician and perched on the edge of the makeshift raft and stared at the magician. And stared. And stared.

For a whole day the magician was unconscious, and all this time the parrot didn’t take his eyes off him. Eventually the magician started to stir. Looking up, he saw the parrot, still eyeing him intently, not even blinking.

Another hour goes by, and finally the parrot squawks, “All right, I give up. What did you do with the ship?”

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