Diet jokes are usually about how difficult it is to stick to a diet. It’s the type of humor that makes you feel better about yourself for not being able to stick to your diet. A common joke is about how people on diets want dessert but they also want the carbs, so they order something like a chocolate cake without frosting.
In this article, we will share with you some funny jokes about diets.
The Funniest Jokes about Being on a Diet and Dieting
One Liner Diet Jokes
Why go to the paint store when you’re on a diet?
You can get thinner there!
Why shouldn’t you worry about gaining a few extra pounds?
Fat people are harder to kidnap.
I think about dieting sometimes…
It takes a lot of weight off my mind.
How do horses stay in shape?
They maintain a stable diet.
I’m on a no seafood diet to lose weight
It’s low crab.
Did you hear about the seafood diet?
You see food and you eat it.
Your fat and you need to go on a diet.
I’m not going to sugarcoat it because you’ll eat that too.
My wife is a light eater. As soon as it’s light she starts to eat. -Henry Youngman
I love my vegetarian-only diet.
Lambs, Cows, Deers, Rabbits. They’re all vegetarians and they’re delicious!!
I had to give up my vegetarian diet.
Turns out they’re a lot harder to catch than cows.
Why did Ben Shapiro go on a diet?
To destroy the lbs.
I’ve begun a new diet
It’s a see-food diet.
What do vampires drink when they are on a diet?
There’s a new company that’s planning to feed cows a diet of cannabis mixed in with their food.
They claim that the relaxed cattle produce more milk, and tender meat. The issue is that the legal costs of this are through the roof, and even the best estimates are that they won’t turn a profit until 2034. The steaks have never been higher.
So I put my dog on a vegan diet
Don’t worry, I only feed him the finest vegans I can find
It feels like there is a new diet fad every other day
Everyone is so concerned about trans fats but I think we should respect fat people and let them identify however they want
I’m on a whiskey diet.
I’ve lost three days already.
My friend Joe recently started the Dolly Parton Diet…
And to my surprise, it works! It ACTUALLY made Joe lean!
What do you call an insect with a high fat diet?
Why did the mermaid stop dieting?
She was too fin.
What do they call a Double Quarter Pounder with cheese, large fries, and a Diet Coke in France?
“The American Weight Loss Plan.”
Did you know that the consistency of a woman’s menstrual fluid is varies greatly based on her diet?
It’s a viscous cycle.
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time
This produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
My wife is on a tropical fruit diet, the house is full of the stuff!
It’s enough to make a mango crazy.
Have you heard of the new squirrel diet?
It’s just nuts.
Did you hear about that dude who started the mushroom diet?
I hear hes a real fungi
this has probably been done but there is so mushroom here
I wanted to go on a diet…
But I just have way too much on my plate right now…
I’m on a Diet…
Thats why I eat pound cake.
What does the Mandalorian say after he starts a new diet to gain more muscle?
This is the whey.
My idea of a balanced diet…
Is a beer in each hand.
Easily lose weight by cutting these two things out of your diet:
Breakfast and dinner.
Covid lockdown has me gaining weight so I started a new diet
Its called Two weeks to flatten Your curves
I started a new diet this week. I now abstain from eating any food while I put my mittens on in the winter.
I call it inter-mitten fasting.
I recently started an all vegetarian diet
The hardest part is catching them.
I put my Dobermans on a vegan diet and I’m worried about their nutrition.
Between the five of them, they’re getting through a vegan a week – am I overfeeding them?
A blonde goes to the counter and in a very loud voice declares, “I’ll have a cheeseburger, a small order of fries and a Diet Coke, please!”
The lady behind the counter is astonished and says,” Ma’am, this is a library.”
The blonde apologizes and leans in close and says in a whisper, “I’ll have a cheeseburger, a small order of fries and a Diet Coke, please.”
I needed to lose some weight so I went on a 3 month diet plan.
I don’t want to brag, but…
…I just finished it in 72 hours.
My wife and I are following a Ketogenic, low carb diet plan, but this morning I cheated and had a donut for breakfast.
Oddly enough, when I came clean during dinner this evening, she seemed only upset about the pastry and not at all that I had slept with another woman.
What diet is Steven Seagal on?
Have you ever heard of the garlic and onions diet?
you eat garlic and onions only for a week, you don’t get much thinner but people will stay far away from you so you seem smaller.
Great white shark diet surprises scientists
“It consists mostly of wildlife biologists that study sharks,” said a famous wildife biologist studying sharks.
I lost 90 pounds in 30 days on the juice diet
Every day I bought one juice for 3 pounds.
I used to eat a dozen doughnuts and hate myself. So I went on a diet, and I have made some real progress!
Now I hate myself after only one doughnut!
A vegan, a person on a gluten-free diet, and a person who does Crossfit walk I to a bar.
I only know about that because none of them would shut up about it.
I don’t mean to brag but I finished my 14 day diet
…in 3 hours and 20 minutes.
I didn’t cheat on my diet
I had an entanglement with a slice of cake
My wife asked me if I was going to buy new pants now that my diet was done and I’ve finally reached my goal weight.
I told her I could never abandon them, they’d been with me through thick and thin.
My doctor said I should exercise on top of a healthy diet.
But surely a treadmill would make more sense?
I thought about going on an all-almond diet
But that would be just nuts
What does a group of Italians say when they start a diet?
Vegans are a lot like vampires…
…always going on about their diet “blah, blah-blah”
I got hit in the head with a Diet Pepsi yesterday.
Don’t worry, it was a soft drink.
I was gonna start a new diet tonight…
…but I have too much on my plate.
My Doctor sent me a message out of the blue saying I need to decrease the Sodium in my diet.
Confused that he would contact me by text, I sent back “K??”
He just sent back “Na”
Now I don’t know if I should or not.
My wife said we should have a cheat day once a month while we are dieting…
Apparently it only involved food
I told my doctor I wanted to start a vegan keto diet.
She told me “that’s nuts.”
Related: The funniest jokes about food!
News: Doctors recommend Pizza and pancake diet for Covid-19 patients
And all other foods that can fit under the door.
Did you know there was a Jedi from Italy who was really strict about diets?
His name was Only One Cannoli.
My girlfriend said being with me is like being on a diet.
I was touched at first and told her that I feel like being with her is a continual journey of self-improvement and striving to get to a better place too.
When a physician was asked if his new diet of pizza and crepes for COVID-19 patients was working
He said, “I don’t know, but that’s the only food we can get under the door.”
Why do sharks eat underwater internet cables?
They were advised to have more fiber in their diet.
What does the body builder say to the regular person who shares their poor diet patterns?
I’m sorry you *fuel* that way
What do you call a member of the armed forces who abandons his diet?
I tried to feed my cat an all-vegan diet
but I quickly found out that Googling “how to kill and field-dress a vegan” won’t get you the answers you were hoping for.
I started a new diet where you can sleep 20 hours a day…
It’s called, you Snooze you lose
I’ve recently started an all-vegan diet and I’ve never been healthier!
Abducting them, killing them and digging holes to dispose of the remains has been great exercise. The only problem is it’s become difficult to stop telling everybody how much better I feel and how their diet is wrong and immoral.
What do vegan black holes say?
“I’m on a strictly planet based diet”
A man who has been doing keto for five years cheats his diet at a party.
His friend, shocked, asked him if it was hard for him to do.
The man replied, “it was a piece of cake”.
An overweight businessman decided it was time to shed some excess weight.
He took his new diet seriously, even changing his driving route to avoid his favourite bakery.
One morning, however, he arrived at work carrying a gigantic muffin. The office all scolded him, but his smile remained cherubic.
“This is a very special muffin,” he explained. “I accidentally drove by the bakery this morning and there in the window were a host of goodies. I felt this was no accident, so I prayed, `Lord, if you want me to have one of those delicious muffins, let me have a parking place directly in front of the bakery’.
“And sure enough,” he continued. “The fifteenth time around the block, and there it was!”
This diet is designed to help you cope with the stress that builds up during the day.
1 slice whole wheat toast – dry
8 oz skim milk
4 oz lean broiled chicken breast
1 cup steamed spinach
1 cup herb tea
1 Oreo cookie
Rest of the Oreos in the package
2 pints of Rocky Road ice cream
1 jar hot fudge sauce nuts, cherries, whipped cream
2 loaves garlic bread with cheese large sausage, mushroom and cheese pizza
4 cans or 1 large pitcher of beer
3 Milky Way or Snickers candy bars
Late Evening News
Entire frozen cheesecake eaten directly from freezer
Rules For This Diet
- If you eat something, and no one else sees you eat it, it has no calories.
- When drinking a diet soda while eating a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled by the diet soda.
- When you eat with someone else, calories don’t count as long as you don’t eat more than they do.
- Foods used for medicinal purposes never count. Example: hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee cheesecake.
- If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.
- Movie-related foods do not have calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one’s personal fuel.
Example: Milk Duds, buttered popcorn, Junior Mints and Tootsie Rolls.
- Cookie pieces contain no calories, because of the process of breaking the cookie causes calorie leakage.
- If you are in the process of preparing something, foods licked off knives and spoons have no calories.
- Foods of the same color have the same number of calories. Examples: green salad and Key Lime pie, mushrooms and white chocolate.
- If you eat the food off someone else’s plate, it doesn’t count.
- If you eat standing up the calories all go to your feet and get walked off.
- Food eaten at Christmas parties has no calories, courtesy of Santa.
Special Note: Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other.
Remember: STRESSED is just DESSERTS spelled backward.
Also see: Funny Knock Knock Jokes About Food
My name is Jay and I started this website to share my love of jokes, humor, comedy clubs, and comedians, including the up and coming ones you need to know about! Please feel to send me your suggestions and feedback through the contact form.