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The Funniest Food Jokes You’ve Ever Heard!

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Funniest Food Jokes

Have to honest with all of you – my two favorite things are eating and laughing with friends. Can you relate? So today we have rounded up the absolutely funniest jokes about food.

The Funniest Food Jokes

Old Man Eating

In a truck restaurant stop when three Hell’s Angels bikers walked in, they saw an old man eating. The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man’s pie and then took a seat at the counter.

The second walked up to the old man, spit into the old man’s milk and then he took a seat at the counter.

The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old man’s plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.

Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the dinner. Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, “Humph, not much of a man, was he?”

The waitress replied, “Not much of a truck driver either. He just backed his huge truck and really smashed three Harley Davidson motorcycles”

Related: Our Funniest Jokes about Old People

Old Time Kitchen Wisdom

  • A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and this kitchen is delirious!
  • No husband has ever been shot while doing dishes.
  • A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house.
  • If we are what we eat, then I’m easy, fast, and cheap.
  • Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
  • Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
  • Help keep the kitchen clean-eat out!
  • Housework done properly, can kill you.
  • Countless numbers of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives.
  • My next house will have no kitchen—just vending machines.

Related: The funniest jokes about peanut butter

The Elderly Couple and The Food Order

This elderly couple is sitting on a park bench if from of a large pond. Across the other side of the pond are vendors sell all types of food stuff. The wife turns to hubby and say, “I could really go for an ice cream cone.”

Hubby replies, “Well, I’ll go get you one.”

Wife says, “But, you’ll forget, you better write it down.”

Hubby replies, “No I won’t; what do you want?”

Wife says, “Get me a Strawberry cone with chocolate sprinkles.”

Hubby replies, “Okay, strawberry cone with chocolate sprinkles. See, I’ll remember.

Several hours pass and, finally, the hubby returns.

The wife asks him, “What took you so long, did you get lost.”

The hubby replies, “No, and I got what you wanted.”

The wife opens the bag to discover a cheeseburger and fries?!

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Wife says, “I knew you should have written the order down.”

Hubby says, “What do you mean – every thing is there?”

To which the wife replies, “No, it’s not…look, you forgot the pickles!”

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Bean’s Tale

Once upon a time there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them but unfortunately they had always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her. Then one day she met a guy and fell in love.

When it became apparent that they would marry she thought to herself, “He is such a sweet and gentle man, he would never go for this carrying on. ” So she made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Some months later her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she lived in the country she called her husband and told him that she would be late because she had to walk home.

On her way she passed a small diner and the odor of the baked beans was more than she could stand. Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she would walk off any ill effects by the time she reached home. So, she stopped at the diner and before she knew it, she had consumed three large orders of baked beans.

All the way home she putt-putted. And upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could control it. Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly, “Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight.”

He then blindfolded her and led her to her chair at the table.

She seated herself and just as he was about to remove the blindfold from his wife, the telephone rang. He made her promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned. He then went to answer the phone.

The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg and let it go.

It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of pulpwood mill. She took her napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously. Then, she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which reminded her of cooked cabbage.

Keeping her ears tuned to the conversation in the other room, she went on like this for another ten minutes. When the phone farewells signaled the end of her freedom, she fanned the air a few more times with her napkin, placed it on her lap and folded her hands upon it, smiling contentedly to herself.

She was the picture of innocence when her husband  returned, apologizing for taking so long,  he asked her if she peeked, and she assured him that she had not.

At this point, he removed the blindfold, and she was surprised!! There were twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her a “Happy Birthday”!!!

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Also see the complete guide to the best Thanksgiving Jokes

RULES FOR EATING CHOCOLATE

  • If you’ve got melted chocolate all over your hands, you’re eating it too slowly.
  • Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.
  • The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car.
    The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.
  • Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It’ll take the edge off your appetite and you’ll eat less.
  • If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge.
  • Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.
  • If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet?
    Don’t they actually counteract each other?
  • Money talks. Chocolate sings.
  • Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.
  • Put “eat chocolate” at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you’ll get one thing done.
  • A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn’t that handy?
  • If you can’t eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can’t eat all your chocolate, what’s wrong with you?

Also see the funniest jokes about being on a diet and dieting!

CALORIE BURNING ACTIVITIES

Jumping to conclusions . . . . . . 100
Swallowing your pride. . . . …. .. .50
Passing the buck . . . . . . . … . .150
Pushing your luck. . . . . . . . . … 250
Wading through paperwork .. . .. 300
Jumping on the bandwagon .. . .. 200
Balancing the books. . . . . . .. …..25
Running around in circles. .. . . .. 350
Climbing the ladder of success . 750
Adding fuel to the fire. . . . . . . …160
Wrapping it up at the day’s end. . .12
To which you may want to add your own favorite activities, including:
Opening a can of worms . . . … .. .50
Putting your foot in your mouth. . 300
Starting the ball rolling. . . . . . …….90
Going over the edge. . . . . . . . … …25
Picking up the pieces after. . . ……350
Counting eggs before they hatch.. . . 6
Calling it quits . . . . . . . . . . . ……… 2

Incident in a New York Restaurant

One day, at a New York Restaurant, a man suddenly called out, “My son’s choking! He swallowed a quarter! Help! Please, anyone! Help!”

A man from a nearby table stood up and announced that he was quite experienced at this sort of thing. He stepped over with almost no look of concern at all, wrapped his hands around the boy’s gonads, and squeezed. Out popped the quarter. The man then went back to his table as though nothing had happened.

“Thank you! Thank you!” the father cried. “Are you a paramedic?”
“No,” replied the man. “I work for the IRS.”

Old Man Eating

In a truck restaurant stop when three Hell’s Angels bikers walked in, they saw an old man eating. The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man’s pie and then took a seat at the counter.

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The second walked up to the old man, spit into the old man’s milk and then he took a seat at the counter. The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old man’s plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.

Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the dinner. Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, “Humph, not much of a man, was he?”

The waitress replied, “Not much of a truck driver either. He just backed his huge truck and really smashed three Harley Davidson motorcycles”

Kitchen Wisdom?

  • A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and this kitchen is delirious!
  • No husband has ever been shot while doing dishes.
  • A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house.
  • If we are what we eat, then I’m easy, fast, and cheap.
  • Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
  • Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
  • Help keep the kitchen clean-eat out!
  • Housework done properly, can kill you.
  • Countless numbers of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives.
  • My next house will have no kitchen—just vending machines.

Cooking Terms

  • Arab Coffee: Thick, black, bitter coffee, traditionally served in tiny cups, or found in graduate student’s offices.

Also see our ultimate collection to coffee jokes!

  • Calorie: Basic measure of the amount of rationalization offered by the average individual prior to taking a second helping of a particular food.
  • Frying Pan: Standard instrument of destruction for eggs, pancakes, and various vegetable matter. Remains may be removed from surface with diluted solution of sulfuric acid.
  • Microwave Oven: Space-age kitchen appliance that uses the principle of radar to locate and immediately destroy any food placed within the cooking compartment.
  • Oven: Compact home incinerator used for disposing of bulky pieces of meat and poultry.
  • Preheat: To turn on the heat in an oven for a period of time before cooking a dish, so that the fingers may be burned when the food is put in, as well as when it is removed.
  • Porridge: Thick oatmeal rarely found on American tables since children were granted the right to sue their parents. The name is an amalgamation of the words “Putrid,” “hORRId,” and “sluDGE.”
  • Recipe: A series of step-by-step instructions for preparing ingredients you forgot to buy, in utensils you don’t own, to make a dish the dog won’t eat.
  • Tongue: A variety of meat, rarely served because it clearly crosses the line between a cut of beef and a piece of dead cow.
  • Yogurt: Semi-solid dairy product made from partially evaporated and fermented milk. Yogurt is one of only three foods that taste exactly the same as they sound. The other two are goulash and squid.