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The Best Nurse Jokes

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Nurse Jokes

Nurse jokes are a type of joke that is usually told in hospitals, nursing homes, and other healthcare facilities. These jokes are often told by nurses to patients and other staff. Nurses are an important part of the healthcare system. They provide care and treatment for patients, as well as provide education and counseling to patients and their families. Nurses work in a wide variety of settings, from hospitals to schools to nursing homes.

Nurses have a diploma or degree in nursing from a college or university. They also need a license from a state board of nursing. Nurses work with doctors, surgeons, dentists, medical assistants, pharmacists and other nurses to provide care for patients. They may specialize in areas such as pediatrics or obstetrics.

Here are the best jokes to make you laugh today!


The Funniest Jokes about Nurses

One Liner Nurse Jokes

What do you call a nurse who can’t read? A Doctor!

Why did the patient go to the hospital? He heard doctors were there!

What’s the difference between a doctor and a nurse? The doctor knows everything but the nurse knows it all from experience.

Why does everyone think that nurses have no sense of humor? Because they never stop telling their own jokes!

How do you know if your patient is getting better? They’re not telling any more nurse jokes

You Know that You Are a Nurse When…

  • You know you are a nurse when discussing dismemberment over a gourmet meal seems perfectly normal.
  • You know you are a nurse when you compliment a complete stranger on his veins.
  • You know you are a nurse when you find yourself betting on someone’s alcohol level.
  • You know you are a nurse when you know that K-Y jelly is optional.

Short Story Jokes about Nurses, Nursing and Patients

Why did the nurse keep the bedpan in the refrigerator?
Because when she kept it in the freezer it took too much skin off.

  Funniest Jokes about Being Pregnant

Patient: “Nurse, I just swallowed my pillow!”
Nurse: “How do you feel?”
Patient: “A little down in the mouth”

How do you save a doctor from drowning?
Take your foot off his head.

How many nurses does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None – They just have a nursing assistant do it.

What ‘s the difference between a nurse and a nun?
A nun only serves one God.

A new nurse listened while the doctor was yelling, “Typhoid! Tetanus! Measles!”

The new nurse asked another nurse, “Why is he doing that?”

The other nurse replied, “Oh, he just likes to call the shots around here.=

Related: Funny Doctor Jokes

Health Checkup

An old couple goes the doctor, just to check their general health. The husband goes in first and the doctor says: “Well, Mr. Jones, you are in a perfect shape considering your age”.

And the man says: “Sure I am: I don’t drink, I don’t smoke and the good Lord takes care of me”.

At which point the doctor seems puzzled and says: “What do you mean?”.
The old man replies: “For example, last night I had to go to the toilet and

God switched on the light for me, so that I wouldn’t fall down.”
The doctor doesn’t understand and asks the man to go out and let his wife in. The woman enters the room and the doctor visits her and says: “You are in a perfect shape, considering your age”.

At which the woman replies: “Sure I am: I don’t drink, I don’t smoke…”

The doctor interrupts her: “… and the good Lord takes care of you, doesn’t He?”.

  The Funniest Doctor Jokes

“The woman looks puzzled: “What are you talking about?”.
The doctor explains: “Your husband told me. He says the good Lord looks after him.

Like last night, when he was in the toilet and God switched on the light for him so that he wouldn’t fall”.
The woman replies: “Good Lord, he peed in the fridge again!”

Finally,  see the funniest jokes about being pregnant

Top Ten Things You Need To Know To Be A Nurse

10. If it’s wet make it dry.
9. If it’s dry make it wet.
8. Always ask for on-call pay before agreeing to overtime.
7. Never tell management what you are really thinking.
6. Never finish report with, “You have an easy assignment”.
5. Never say. “This looks like a easy assignment”.
4. Don’t expect nurses aids to do their job.
3. Don’t expect doctors to believe any thing you tell them.
2. If you don’t have enough time to do everything, take about 30 minutes to complain about it.
1. If it moves, rattles, shakes, falls down, or won’t stay in place: tape it.

Top 10 Reasons to Become a Nurse

10. Pays better than McDonald’s (though the hours aren’t as good.)
9. Fashionable shoes and sexy uniforms.
8. Needles: ’tis better to give than to receive.
7. Confidence in reassuring patients that all bleeding stops … eventually.
6. Opportunity to expose yourself to rare, exotic, and exciting new diseases.
5. Interesting aromas.
4. Courteous and infallible doctors who always leave clear orders in perfectly clear handwriting.
2. Celebration of holidays with all your friends … at work.
1. Comfort in the knowledge that most of your patients survive no matter what you do to them.

  The Most Ghoulish Jokes about Death

Top Ten Inspirational Sayings We’d Like to See at the Nurse’s Station

10. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings; they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
9. If at first you don’t succeed…try management.
8. TEAMWORK means never having to take all the blame yourself.
7. Hang in there….retirement is only 35 years away!
6. Go the extra mile…it makes your supervisor look incompetent.
5. When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.
4. Administration…we waste time so you don’t have to.
3. The beatings will continue until morale improves.
2. A person who smiles in the face of adversity, probably has a scapegoat.
1. Succeed in spite of Administration.

Top Ten Most Commonly Used Nursing Phrases

10. “No, really, I don’t mind changing the TV channel for you.again.”
9. “I’m sorry, it’s not THAT kind of Tylenol.”
8. “You won’t feel a thing.”
7. “Because your doctor said so.”
6. “This won’t hurt a bit.”
5. “I swear, if that patient rings the call bell one more time.”
4. “No, I will NOT give you a sponge bath (to patients perfectly able to do for themselves)!”
3. “Your gonna feel a little stick.”
2. “How can I help you?” (no less than a MILLION times a shift!)
1. “Doctor, I’m sorry to wake you, but.” (this one is okay by us)