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Confucius Say Jokes

Confucius Say Jokes

If you have ever had dinner at a Chinese restaurant and received a fortune cookie after dinner you have definitely seen a “Confucius say” phrase in the fortune cookie!

We gathered up the best ones. They are quite funny – enjoy!

Confucius Say…

  • Grease monkey who go to bed without bathing wake up oily in the morning.
  • Thank you to Gary Oaksford for this contribution.
  • Man who run in front of car get tired.
  • Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
  • Baseball is wrong – man with four balls cannot walk.
  • War doesn’t determine who is right, war determines who is left.
  • Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.
  • Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
  • It take many nails to build crib but one screw to fill it.
  • Man who drive like hell bound to get there.
  • Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.
  • Man who fishes in other man’s well often catches crabs.
  • Don’t eat the snow where the huskies go!
  • Support bacteria — it’s the only culture some people have!
  • Man who lose key to apartment not get new key.
  • He who sitteth on an upturned tack shall surely rise.
  • Even the greatest of whales is helpless in middle of desert.
  • Man who sit on tack get point!
  • Man who jumps off cliff, jumps to conclusion!
  • Man that is stuck in pantry has his ass in jam.
  • Man standing on toilet is high on pot.
  • Secretary not permanent fixture until screwed on top of desk
  • Man who stick foot in mouth get athlete’s tongue!
  • Man who live in glass house should not throw parties!
  • Man that go to bed with itchy butt wake up with sticky fingers!
  • When called an idiot sometimes is better to be quiet, than open mouth and remove all doubt.
  • “Man with glass house must dress in basement!”
  • Everyone has a photographic memory, some people just don’t have film!
  • Passionate kiss like spider’s web, soon lead to undoing of fly.
  • Virginity like bubble, one prick all gone.
  • Man who behaves like an ass will be the butt of those who crack jokes.
  • Marriage is like game of poker. You start with pair and end with full house.
  • Man who run behind car get exhausted.
  • Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
  • Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
  • Man with one chopstick go hungry.
  • He who thinks only of number one must remember this number is next to nothing
  • Man who farts in church sits in his own pew!
  • Hole happy, whole body happy.
  • He who stands on toilet, is high on pot.
  • He who makes love in grass, gets piece on earth.
  • Wash your face in the morning, neck at night.
  • He who eats too many prunes, sits on toilet many moons.
  • Elevator smell different to midget.
  • Work to become, not to acquire.
  • A bird in hand makes hard to blow nose.
  • Man who put head on Railroad track to listen for train likely to end up with splitting headache.
  • Man who tell one too many light bulb jokes will soon burn out!
  • Don’t drink and park, accidents cause people.
  • War does not determine who’s right, war determines who’s left.
  • Those who quote me are fools.
  • Confucius say too damn much.
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