The Best Dog Jokes Ever!

Dog Jokes

Man’s best friend is the source of much enjoyment, as every dog owner knows! Today we have some of the funniest one liners and also longer jokes. We cover most dog breeds too.

Let us know in the comments which joke made you LOL the most!

The Best Dog Jokes Ever!

New Dog Cross Breeds (1 liners)

  • Did you hear about the new dog cross-breeds?– They crossed a Collie and a Lhasa Apso. The new breed is a Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport.
  • They crossed a Spitz and a Chow-Chow. The new breed is a Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot.
  • They crossed a Pointer and a Setter. The new breed is a Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet.
  • They crossed a Great Pyrenees and a Dachshund. The new breed is a Pyradachs, a puzzling breed.
  • They crossed a Pekingese and a Lhasa Apso. The new breed is Peekasso, an abstract dog.
  • They crossed a Irish Water Spaniel and a English Springer Spaniel. The new breed is a Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean.
  • They crossed a Labrador Retriever and a Curly Coated Retriever. The new breed is a Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of laboratory researchers.– They crossed a Newfoundland and a Basset Hound. The new breed is a Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors– They crossed a Bloodhound and a Labrador. The new breed is a Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly.
  • They crossed a Malamute and a Pointer. The new breed is a Moot Point, owned by….oh, well, it doesn’t really matter.– They crossed a Collie and a Malamute. The new breed is a Commute, a dog that travels to work.
  • They crossed a Deerhound and a Terrier. The new breed is a Derriere, a dog that’s true to the end.
  • They crossed a Bull Terrier and a ShihTzu. The new breed is a uhh, I’ll get back to you on that…..

Doggie Farts

A young man was delighted to finally be asked home to meet the parents of the young woman he’d been seeing for some time. He was quite nervous about the meeting, though, and by the time he arrived punctually at the doorstep he was in a state of gastric distress.

The problem developed into one of acute flatulence, and halfway through the canapés the young man realized he couldn’t hold it in one second longer without exploding. A tiny fart escaped.

“SPOT!” called out the young woman’s mother to the family dog, lying at the young man’s feet.

Relieved at the dog’s having been blamed, the young man let another, slightly larger one go. “Spot!” she called out sharply. “I’ve got it made,” thought the fellow to himself. One more and I’ll feel fine. So he let loose a really big one.

“Spot!” shrieked the mother. “Get over here before he shits on you!”

Genius Dog

A butcher is busy at work when notices a dog in his shop. He shoos the dog away. Later, he notices the dog is back again. He walks over to the dog, and notices that the dog has a note in his mouth. The butcher takes the note which reads, “Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please.”

The butcher looks, and lo and behold, in the dog’s mouth, there is a ten dollar bill. So the butcher takes the money, puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, and places it in the dog’s mouth.

The butcher is very impressed, and since it’s closing time, he decides to close up shop and follow the dog. So, off he goes. The dog is walking down the street and comes to a crossing. The dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the crossing button.

Then he waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to change. They do, and he walks across the road, with the butcher following. The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe at this stage. The dog checks out the times, and sits on one of the seats to wait for the bus.

Along comes a bus. The dog walks to the front of the bus, looks at the number, and goes back to his seat. Another bus comes. Again the dog goes and looks at the number, notices it’s the right bus, and climbs on. The butcher, by now open-mouthed, follows him onto the bus.

The bus travels thru town and out to the suburbs. Eventually the dog gets up, moves to the front of the bus, stands on his hind legs and pushes the button to stop the bus.

The dog gets off, groceries still in his mouth, with the butcher still following. They walk down the road, and the dog approaches a house. He walks up the path, and drops the groceries on the step.

Then he walks back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door. He goes back down the path, takes another run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door again!

There’s no answer at the door, so the dog goes back down the path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the garden. He gets to a window, and bangs his head against it several times.

He walks back, jumps off the wall, and waits at the door. The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts laying into the dog, really yelling at him.

The butcher runs up and stops the guy. “What the heck are you doing? This dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for God’s sake!”

“Clever, my ass,” the guy responds, “This is the second time this week he’s forgotten his key!”

A Dog Wants an Office Job

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: “HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer.”

A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.

Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said, “I can’t hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type.”

The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, “The sign says you have to be good with a computer.”

The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program, that worked flawlessly the first time.

By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said, “I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can’t give you the job.”

The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.

The manager said, “Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual.”

The dog looked at the manager calmly and said “Meow.”

FBI Canine

A police dog responds to an ad for work with the FBI. “Well,” says the personnel director, “you’ll have to meet some strict requirements.

First, you must type at least 60 words per minute.” Sitting down at the typewriter, the dog types out 80 words per minute.

“Also,” says the director, “you must pass a physical and complete the obstacle course.” This perfect canine specimen finishes the course in record time.

“There’s one last requirement,” the director continues; “you must be bilingual.” With confidence, the dog looks up at him and says, “Meow!”

A Sick Dog

A couple buys this cute little dog. They take him home and two days later the dog becomes very lazy. It won’t eat, doesn’t bark, heck it doesn’t even move at all.

So the couple decides to take the dog to the Vet. The Vet looks at the dog and then lays it on the floor. He then brings a cat into the room and sets it beside the dog. The cat crawls all over the dog for several minutes and then runs around the dog four times before the Vet picks up the cat and puts him back in his cage.

The Vet then turns to the couple and says, “I’m sorry to tell you this, but your dog is dead… That’ll be $225.00.”

“$225.00?,” screamed the outraged man. “You expect me to pay you that much just to tell me my dog is dead?”

The Vet replied, “It’s only $25.00 for the office visit and $200.00 for the Cat Scan.”

Related: Funniest Cat Jokes

Getting Fixed

Two dogs were sitting in a vet’s office. The bigger of the dogs gruffs, “Whatcha doing here?”

The little dog responds, “I’m getting ‘fixed’. Whenever I see my mistress I get so horny I just jump on her leg and start pumping. It’s very embarrassing.”

The first dog says, “Yeah, I know what you mean. One morning my mistress had just got out of the shower, and was sitting on the side of the bed. She leaned down to pick up her clothes from the floor, and I couldn’t resist it… I jumped up and starting taking her from the rear!”

The second dog exclaimed, “Wow! So you’re here to be fixed too?” “Hell no, I’m getting de-clawed.”

Seeing Eye Dogs

A guy with a Doberman Pinscher and a guy with a Chihuahua decide to go to a restaurant and get something to eat.

The guy with the Chihuahua says, “We can’t go in there. We’ve got dogs with us.”

The guy with the Doberman Pinscher replies, “Just follow my lead.”

They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses, and he starts to walk in.

“Sorry, Sir. No pets allowed,” announces the door man.

The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, “You don’t understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.”

The door man inquires, “A Doberman Pinscher?”

He responds, “Yes, they’re using them now, they’re very good.”

The door man says, “Come on in.”

The guy with the Chihuahua thinks, “What the heck,” so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in.

“Sorry, pal, no pets allowed,” announces the door man.

The guy with the Chihuahua says, “You don’t understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.”

The door man inquires, “A Chihuahua?”

The guy with the Chihuahua replies, “You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?”

Amazing Dog

An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.

He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog. As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by.

They fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. The friend saw everything but did not say a single word.

On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, “Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?” “I sure did,” responded his friend. “He can’t swim.

Related: Funny Jokes about Frogs

Does Your Dog Own You?

See how many of these statements apply to you and your dog.
–You believe every dog is a lap dog.
–If you are cold, you put a sweater on your dog.
–You have a picture of your dog in your wallet, but not one of your kids.
–You often claim that it was love at first sight with you and your dog.
–You have your dog talk to your friends on the phone.
–You can’t fully enjoy yourself without your dog.
–No matter how large your bed is, it is not large enough for you and your dogs).
–You spend more on clothes and food for your dog than you do for yourself.
–You have no reservations about kissing your dog on the lips, even when you know where his lips have been.
–You believe it is your duty to talk to, pat, and even feed every dog in the neighborhood. You know their names.
–You let the neighbor dog sleep over.
–You believe there is no such thing as a naughty dog.
–Your vet and grooming bills exceed your rent.
–When you need someone to talk to, your dog is your first choice.
–You sit on the floor if the dog got in the chair first.
–You talk to your dog when you are driving. He answers.
–Your dog taught you to fetch and roll over.


The Happiest Dog Ever

Paul got off the elevator on the 40th floor and nervously knocked on his blind date’s door. She opened it and was as beautiful and charming as everyone had said.

“I’ll be ready in a few minutes,” she said. “Why don’t you play with Rollo while you’re waiting?” He does wonderful tricks. He rolls over, shakes hands, sits up and if you make a hoop with your arms, he’ll jump through.”

The dog followed Paul onto the balcony and started rolling over. Paul made a hoop with his arms and Rollo jumped through — and over the balcony railing. Just then Paul’s date walked out.

“Isn’t Rollo the cutest, happiest dog you’ve ever seen?”

“To tell the truth, ” he replied, “Rollo seemed a little depressed to me!”

Religious Dog

This fundamentalist Christian couple felt it important to own an equally fundamentally Christian pet. So, they went shopping. At a kennel specializing in this particular breed, they found a dog they liked quite a lot.

When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in a flash. When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he complied equally fast, using his paws with dexterity. They were impressed, purchased the animal, and went home (piously, of course).

That night they had friends over. They were so proud of their new fundamentalist dog and his major skills, they called the dog and showed off a little. The friends were impressed, and asked whether the dog was able to do any of the usual dog tricks, as well. This stopped the couple cold, as they hadn’t thought about ‘normal’ tricks.

“Well,” they said, “let’s try this out.”

Once more they called out to the dog, and then clearly pronounced the command, “Heel!”

Quick as a wink, the dog jumped up, put his paw on the man’s forehead, closed his eyes in concentration, and bowed his head.

Related: Cute and Funny Elephant Jokes

Blind Man’s Dog

A blind man was waiting to cross the road when his guide dog peed on his leg. He reached into his pocket and took out a biscuit for the dog.

A passerby who’d seen everything remarked, “That’s very tolerant of you after what he just did.”

“Not really,” came the reply. “I’m just finding out where his mouth is, so I can kick him in the nuts.”

Attack Dog

A man who wanted a dog to protect his business, visited a kennel that specialized in attack dogs. The man explained to the kennel owner that he wanted the biggest, meanest, most vicious dog in the kennel, and the owner offered to take the man on a tour of the premises.

After they had been walking for a few minutes, they came upon a large dog, snarling loudly, and biting and clawing at the cage.

“He looks like he’d be a pretty good attack dog,” said the buyer.

“Well, he’s not bad,” replied the owner, “but I have a different one in mind for you.”

They continued walking around the premises, and after a while they found an even larger, meaner dog than the first. He snarled at the two men and tried to bite them through the wire on his cage.

“Ah,” said the buyer. “This must be the dog you were referring to earlier.”

“Well, no.” said the owner. “I have something better in mind for you.”

The men continued their tour. Eventually, they came upon a large dog, panting heavily and lying quietly on his side, licking his own butt. He seemed unaware of the men’s approach.

“This is the dog I had in mind for you,” said the owner.

The buyer was flabbergasted. “You’re joking!” he exclaimed. “This dog is tame compared to the others; he doesn’t even act like an attack dog.”

“I know he appears tame now,” said the owner. “But you see, he just ate a lawyer, and he’s trying to get the taste out of his mouth.”


A Man and His Dog

A man was watering is lawn one day when he looked and coming up the street was two hearse’s followed by a man, his dog and a single file line of about 200 men.

The guy watering his lawn thought this was rather odd and decided to ask the first guy (with the dog) what was going on. The guy said “that’s my wife in the first hearse, my dog bit her and she died”. The guy watering the lawn said, “Oh,

I’m terribly sorry to hear that, what about the second hearse?”. The other guy said “well that’s my mother-in-law, my dog also bit her and she died.”

The guy with the lawn thinks for a minute and says, “can I borrow your dog?”. The guy with the dog responds, “back of the line!”.

Beware of the Dog

Upon entering a small country store, a stranger noticed a sign saying DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! posted on the glass door. Inside a harmless old hound dog was asleep on the floor besides the cash register.

He asked the store manager, “Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?”

“Yep, that’s him,” he replied.

The amused stranger inquired, “That certainly doesn’t look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?”

The owner responded, “Because, before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him.”

What did the cowboy say when the bear ate Lassie? “Well, doggone!” 



What happened when the dog went to the flea circus?
 He stole the show!



How can if you have a stupid dog? It chases parked cars!

Why do dogs bury bones in the ground?
 Because you can’t bury them in trees!



Why did the poor dog chase his own tail?
  He was trying to make both ends meet!



What do you get if you cross a sheepdog with a rose?
  A collie-flower!



Why do dogs wag their tails?
 “Because no one else will do it for them!” 



Why didn’t the dog speak to his foot?
 Because it’s not polite to talk back to your paw!



What is the dogs favorite city? New Yorkie!



Who is the dogs favorite comedian?
 Growlcho Marx!

Doggie Pay Toilets

A dog saw somebody putting money into a parking meter and
reported to the other dogs, “They’re putting in pay toilets!”

 

You Might Be a Dog Person If …  

  • you can’t see out the passenger side of the windshield because there are nose-prints all over the inside.  
  • you carry dog biscuits in your purse or pocket at all times.  
  • you have baby gates permanently installed at strategic places around the house, but no babies.  
  • you have little songs that you sing to your dog, and she always wags when you sing, even though you can’t carry a tune.  you like people who like your dog.
  • you despise people who don’t.  your bedroom door has a doggie door  you put an extra blanket on the bed so your dog can be comfortable.  
  • your dog owns more clothing and toys than your neighbor’s children  you sign and send birthday/anniversary/Christmas cards from your dog.  
  • you decide you might have kids so the dog will have playmates  
  • you talk about your dog the way other people talk about their kid.  you tell your relatives you aren’t coming unless the dogs are invited, too  
  • you’d rather stay home on Saturday night and cuddle your dog than go to the movies with your sweetie.  you care more about getting your dog’s supper ready on time than your spouse’s.  
  • your dog eats cat poop, but you still let her kiss you  you make your significant other sleep on the couch because there isn’t enough room for the three of you.

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