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The Funniest Football Jokes

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Football jokes


The Funniest Football Jokes

College Exam for Football Players

Time Limit: One Month
1. What language is spoken in France?
2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions-OR- give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.
3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to
(a) build a bridge (b) sail the ocean (c) lead an army or (d) WRITE A PLAY
4. What religion is the Pope?
(a) Jewish (b) Catholic (c) Hindu (d) Polish (e) Agnostic (check only one)
5. Metric conversion. How many feet is 0.0 meters?
6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5?
(a) Bed time (b) 5:00 (c) am or pm? (d) Happy hour
7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)
8. What are people in America’s far north called?
(a) Westerners (b) Southerners (c) Northerners (d) foreigners
9. Spell — Bush, Carter and Clinton
10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five.
11. Where does rain come from?
(a) Macy’s (b) a 7-11 (c) Canada (d) the sky (e) Prince
12. Can you explain Einstein’s Theory of Relativity?
(a) yes (b) no (c) He wasn’t my relative
13. What are coat hangers used for?
14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country?
15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium-OR- Just spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS.
16. Where is the basement in a three story building located?
17. Which part of America produces the most oranges?
(a) New York (b) Florida (c) Canada (d) Europe
18. Advanced math.
If you have three apples how many apples do you have?
19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corporation) stand for?
20. The Cornell University tradition for efficiency began when (approximately)?
(a) B.C. (b) A.D. (c) still waiting
*You must answer three or more questions correctly to qualify

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The Best One-Liner Football Jokes

  • Our offensive line was so good that even our backs couldn’t get through it.
  • Football is a game of inches, and that’s how some teams move the ball.
  • As John Madden says, “If you see a defensive line with a lot of dirt on their backs, they’ve had a bad day.”
  • Our linebacker is so strong he can pitch horseshoes while they’re still on the horse.
  • We play in a dome stadium. We always prefer to kick with the air-conditioning at our backs.
  • I thought one of the linemen had a tattoo on his leg but it turned out to be a government meat inspection stamp.
  • He’s so huge, instead of a number he should have a license plate.
  • The coach was marching on the field alongside the band. A majorette threw her baton in the air and then dropped it. A fan yelled, “Hey, I see you coach the band, too.”
  • Football is a game when 22 big, strong players run around like crazy for two hours while 50,000 people who really need the exercise sit in the stands and watch them.
  • Did you hear about the world’s dumbest center? They had to stencil on his pants: This End Up. On his shoes they put, T. G. I. F., “Toes go in first.”
  • I say let’s make football more entertaining and give the quarterback something else to think about. Let’s arm each middle linebacker with a coconut custard pie.
  • Some chickens were in a yard when a football flew over the fence. A rooster walked by and said, “I’m not complaining, girls, but look at the work they’re doing next door!”
  • The coach says his favorite play is the one where one of our players pitches the ball back to the official after he has scored a touchdown.
  • The coach was always a step ahead of all opposing coaches. When they started the two-platoon system, he had a three-platoon system one on offense, one on defense, and one to go to classes.
  • Our quarterback knows how to do everything with a football except autograph it.
  • I gave up my hope of being a star halfback the second day of practice. One tackle grabbed my left leg, another grabbed my right leg, and the linebacker looked at me and said, “Make a wish!”
  • Pro linemen are so huge that it takes just four of them to make a dozen.
  • Our players have a lot on the ball. Unfortunately, it’s never their hands.
  • He wore number 53. Unfortunately, that was his combined SAT score.
  • We were in a really tough game. Our quarterback started praying, and we heard a distant voice say, “Please don’t include me in this.”
  • That linebacker has rung so many bells he has a fan club consisting entirely of Avon ladies.
  • We have lots of veterans on this year’s squad. Too bad they’re all from World War II.
  • The place kicker missed his attempt at a field goal. He was so angry, he went to kick himself and missed again.
  • They call it their nickel defense, because that’s what it’s worth.
  • Wife to friend:”The most exciting play of the season was when Fred sat on the cheese dip.”
  • I would have played football, but I have an intestinal problem – no guts.
  • I knew that he was on steroids. His I.Q. and neck size were the same number.
  • “I know I told you that I loved you more than football, honey, but that was during the strike.”
  • You know that your coaching job is in trouble when the marching band forms a noose at half-time.
  • Old quarterbacks never die. They just pass away.
  • We have so many players on the disabled list the team bus can park in a handicapped space.
  • This team employs their famous “Doughnut Defense” the one with the big hole in the middle.
  • This year I can assure you that we are going to move the ball. I just hope that it’s forward.
  • The only way they can gain yardage is to run their game films backward.
    Husband: “Hey, Marie, do you have anything you want to say before the football season starts?”
  • He retired due to illness and fatigue. The fans were sick and tired of his coaching.
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