Have you ever tried to figure out what to write in that special birthday card or special occassion to that some one special? Rude and in your face Holiday cards for all occassions. Check these out.
Rude and Insulting Holiday Messages for All Occasions.
These are some hilariously rude and insulting messages you can include in your holiday greeting cards!
Father’s Day cards
- Happy Fathers Day Dad! I got you a razor so we can tell where your head hair stops and your back hair begins.
- Happy Father’s Day! We got you that breast reduction surgery. Now people will stop mistaking you for mom!
- Happy Father’s Day! We got you a dog so you would have someone to blame it on.
- Happy Father’s Day! I need money.
- I hope a mediocre Father’s Day brunch can help negate 364 days of smug ingratitude. Happy Father’s Day !!
- Happy Father’s Day! We got you a nice room in a Nursing Home!
- Happy Father’s Day Dad! As you know we are expecting your third grandchild in a month, and little Anna was sitting on her mommies lap the other day rubbing her big belly and asked when you were due!
- Happy Father’s Day! We’re sorry the dog we got you last year ran away, so we got you some GasX. Hopefully the next one will stick around longer now.
- Happy Father’s Day! I’m sure glad I got my looks from mom.
- Happy Father’s Day! Six mailboxes and a garage door, that has to be a new record! P.S. We’re taking away your drivers license.
Mother’s Day Cards
- Mom, you gave birth to me 25 years ago, and I appreciate it, but shouldn’t you have lost the baby weight by now? Happy Mother’s Day!
- Mom, wow…you’re old…Happy Mothers Day!
- Mom, I know it’s Mother’s day and all, and I’m supposed to get you something…but, I could really use $50 bucks for a new tattoo.
- How about it? Happy Mother’s Day!
- Mom, thank you for putting a roof over my head for eighteen years of my life. I know I’m 35, but would you mind putting a roof over my head for another eighteen years? Happy Mother’s Day!
- Mom, I flunked out of college…Happy Mother’s Day!
- Mom, You are the best mother in the entire world. I love you so much. You are so skinny and pretty. You look like you’re 25. Can you come bail me out of jail? Happy Mother’s Day!
- Mom, I know I was a hard kid to raise. I’m sure that I put a wrinkle on your face for every year that I am. I’m now 45…and you look like I’m 70. Happy Mother’s Day!
- Mom, I never thought you would live till I was forty. I’m glad that you lived to be so very, very, old. Thanks for not croaking. Happy Mother’s Day!
- Mom, I got you a membership to the Gym for Mother’s Day. Please use it because you’re fat. I love you. Happy Mothers Day!
- Mom, surprise! I got you laser hair removal for Mother’s Day. Now people will stop mistaking you for Dad. Happy Mother’s Day.
Also see our post on The Funniest Comebacks, Insults & Sarcasm!
Thank You Cards
- I really didn’t like your gift, so I threw it away” or “I am glad I was able to take back your gift.
- Thanks a lot, Even though you were trying to help, and ended up making everything more difficult for me.
- I almost forgot to send a thank you card because your gift was very forgettable.
- Thanks for nothing.
- You’ve got a fifty-fifty chance at divorce. Flip a coin.
- I can’t believe you two decided to get married, you seem horrible together. I’ll give you a couple years. Losers.
- Coming from someone who has been divorced a few times myself, do yourself a favor and go ahead with the divorce now before your life gets any more complicated. Just wait until you have three kids and you are being abused every day.
- I wish you the best of luck, even though you are just getting married so you can live together without living in sin.
- I can already see who is going to be wearing the pants, and it’s not the groom.
- Congratulations. It’s all down hill from here.
- I wish I didn’t have to sit through that boring wedding.Just for that I hope your future is just as boring.
- The food sucked at your wedding. but your first kiss sucked even more.
- You didn’t really mean what you said at the alter, did you? I mean, come on.
- You guys looked so fake saying your vowls, it made me want to laugh and puke at the same time.
- Don’t get any fatter than you already are eating this chocolate.
- I hope you like this card. I got it really cheap cause I bought in bulk. It turns out I had a lot of Valentines cards to give to all my girlfriends.
- I don’t want to be your boyfriend any more. Happy Valentine’s Day.
- I’m sorry you are too sensitive to take a joke. It’s really your fault that you are such a little baby.
- I’m like soooooo sorry. My bad. I’ll make sure to do better next time.
- I’m sorry, but you have to admit, it was your fault too.
Graduation Card Messages
- Congratulations! You have a college degree. Now you can steal a McDonald’s job from a high school student.
- Now that you are in grad school you can major in living with your parents. Heck it might even turn out to be a great profession.
- They are willing to give just about anyone a degree these days I guess. The standards must be getting lower each year
- It’s Hard To Believe You’re Graduating….. I mean it’s REALLY, REALLY hard!
Birthday Card Messages
- Like a fine wine, people get better with age….With a fine people look better with age…. Happy Birthday !!
- For your birthday I decided to do something yould REALLY ENJOY !!….But not necessarily with ou..
- Happy Birthday…. You old lush !!
- Happy Birthday…. to someone who would be dead in dog years.
- People like you are the reason people like me need medication. Happy Birthday.
- Cheer up… Your sex life isn’t over yet….. You can still manage the heavy breathing!
- Seasons Greetings….to you and your drunken dysfunctional family.
- Christmas comes but once a year…..aren’t you glad you’re not Christmas!
- Santa Claus is coming to town. Just to take a dump down your chimney again. Merry Christmas !
- May this Holiday Season bring the Asian Flu to you and all of your loved ones.
New Year Messages
- May the New Year bring you good times and less alcoholism.
Halloween Card Message
- You Won’t Need A Mask For This Halloween…..Just Be the Pathetic Clown You Normally Are.
Also see the Funniest “Moral of the Story” Jokes
My name is Jay and I started this website to share my love of jokes, humor, comedy clubs, and comedians, including the up and coming ones you need to know about! Please feel to send me your suggestions and feedback through the contact form.