The Best Comebacks, Insults and Sarcasm

Do you ever need a good comeback? Or a quick insult? Or some good sarcasm?

We have you covered. Just read this page. And even better, make a copy and keep it in your pocket.

Then you will be prepared!

The Best Collection of Great Comebacks, Insults and Sarcasm on the Internet!

The Best Comeback of All Time!

But, before you get started, let me tell one of the most famous comebacks to a put down.
Lady Nancy Astor once got annoyed at Churchill.
“Winston,” she said sharply, “if you were my husband I’d put poison in your coffee.”
“And if I were your husband,” responded Churchill, “I’d drink it.”

Insults and Sarcasm About Bullies and Mean Guys

• He’ll cry over your wounds so he can get salt in them.
• He heats the knives so his family won’t use too much butter.
• The next time you’ll meet anyone like him, it will have to be In a Nightmare.
• He got his parents a fifty-piece dinner set for their Golden Anniversary a box of toothpicks.
• He told his children Santa Claus is too old to get around any more.
• He takes sparrows, dips them in peroxide, and sells them as canaries.
• He’ll throw a drowning man both ends of a rope.
• The last place he lived in, he campaigned for dry law, got it passed and then moved away.
• If you kicked him in his heart, you’d break your toe.
• He has lots of fortitude. He’ll stand for nearly anything, but a woman on a train.
• The only way he can hear any good about himself is to talk to himself.
• Every time a report comes about the dangers of second-hand cigarette smoke, he goes
• around blowing smoke in peopleís faces.
• He’s suffering from hardening of the hearteries.
• His motto is ĎA TOOTH FOR A TOOTH’, but expects yours to have gold in it.
• He folds his newspaper so the guy next to him in the bus can only read half the
• newspaper.
• You could not warm up to him if you were cremated together.
• Lots of people would love working for him – if they were graver diggers.
• He’d steal a dead fly from a blind spider.

Related: The funniest jokes about food

Comebacks and Insults for All Occasions

• How about never? Is never good for you?
• You sound reasonable… Time to up the medication.
• I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
• I don’t work here. I’m a consultant.
• Ahhh… I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again
• I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.
• I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
• You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
• I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.
• I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
• I’m really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
• It sounds like English, but I can’t understand a word you’re saying.
• I can see your point, but I still think you’re full of it.
• What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
• Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
• I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don’t give a damn.
• I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
• His teeth are brighter than he is.
• No, my powers can only be used for good.
• We’re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
• The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist.
• I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
• Who me? I just wander from room to room.
• I’m not being rude. You’re just insignificant.
• It’s a thankless job, but I’ve got a lot of Karma to burn off.

Comebacks and Insults for Women

Man: If I could see you naked, I’d die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I’d probably die laughing.

Man: Haven’t I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that’s why I don’t go there anymore.

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I’ll go to mine.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I’m a female impersonator.

Man: Hey baby, what’s your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.

Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?

Man: Why aren’t you married yet?
Woman: What? And spoil my great sex life?

Man: Why aren’t you married yet?
Woman:Why aren’t you thin?

Man: Why aren’t you married yet?
Woman: Because having a husband and a child would be redundant.

Related: Redneck Jokes – all the best ones!

Comebacks and Insults – Especially for Kids. Well….and for those who aren’t kids

• You were one of the first to get a brain, before they were perfected.
• But you did get a brain that day. The problem is that you should have asked for one to go.
• You got your brain very early. Apparently the warranty has run out.
• When they were handing out brains you arrived too late, all you got was a rain check.
• They just ran out of brains by the time you got there, so they gave you a nice wood carving instead.
• When they were handing out brains, you were the first in the queue, and held the door open for the rest of us.
• You didn’t get a brain that day either. They were only handing them out to people who would use them
• You got your brain first when they were handing them out in alphabetical order, A for “Aardvark”

Is that your face ?. . . .

• Your face looks like you’ve been using it as a doorstop.
• Your face would not only stop a door, but also most clocks and a herd of charging buffalo.
• If your face had “Welcome” written on it, it would make a perfect doormat.
• If you put your face by a door, no one would ever come in.
• Your face is such a mess, you must stop using it to hammer in nails.
• Your face doesn’t look like a doorstep, it looks like the door just kept going.
• Your face is such a mess, you should stop reading before slamming the book shut.
• Your face is such a mess, why don’t you get your dog something different to chew on ?
• Your face is such a mess, when you practice diving why don’t you make sure the pool has water in next time.
• Your face is very becoming. I’s becoming more and more ugly every time I see it.

Also see: The Ultimate Collection of Rude and Insulting Greeting Card Messages

When they gave out…

• When they were giving out heads, you thought they said beds, and you said “I’d like something soft”
• When they were giving out brains, you thought they said grains, and you said “Make mine oatmeal”
• When they were giving out noses, you thought they said roses, and you said “Give me a big red one”
• When they were giving out heads, you thought they said sheds, and you said “I’d like a nice big wooden one”
• When they were giving out looks, you thought they said books, and you said “Give me something funny”
• When they were giving out brains, you thought they said canes, and you said “I won’t need one of those”
• When they were giving out noses, you thought they said hoses, and you said “I don’t mind if mine drips a little bit”
• When they were giving out faces, you thought they said cases, and you said “I’d like one made of leather”
• When they were giving out heads, you thought they said breads, and you said “I’d like mine nice and doughy”

Good riddance…..

• If I said anything to offend you it was purely intentional.
• You don’t have to say anything. You offend me just by being in the area.
• I don’t take it personally. Every time you open your mouth you offend someone.
• Well, you probably said it without thinking, the way you do most things.
• Don’t worry about it. I’ve never listened to a thing you’ve said since the day I met you.
• Nothing you could say could offend me. I only get offended by things that make sense.
• I’m not offended by what you say. I’m just glad that you’re stringing words into sentences now.
• It’s not what you say, it’s the thought behind it that counts, and I know there’s never any thought behind anything you say.
• I wouldn’t get angry at you today. It’s “Be kind to Animals” week.
• You look familiar…….
• You look familiar, did I see you in the zoo parade ?
• I think you may have seen me at the zoo, I was the one who was feeding you peanuts.
• I understand that’s Animal Magic is your favorite show because so many of your relatives are on it.
• I know your trying to insult me, but I know you like me. I can see your tail wagging.
• That’s funny you calling me an animal, and it’s you that has the webbed feet.
• You look familiar too, but that’s not surprising, I collect bugs for a hobby.
• You look familiar too, have I ever seen you hanging by the tail from the tree in my garden ?
• Didn’t I dissect you in a biology class one time ?

Related: Funny Snapchat jokes

Insults and Sarcasm About Bullies and Mean Guys

• He’ll cry over your wounds so he can get salt in them.
• He heats the knives so his family won’t use too much butter.
• The next time you’ll meet anyone like him, it will have to be In a Nightmare.
• He got his parents a fifty-piece dinner set for their Golden Anniversary a box of toothpicks.
• He told his children Santa Claus is too old to get around any more.
• He takes sparrows, dips them in peroxide, and sells them as canaries.
• He’ll throw a drowning man both ends of a rope.
• The last place he lived in, he campaigned for dry law, got it passed and then moved away.
• If you kicked him in his heart, you’d break your toe.
• He has lots of fortitude. He’ll stand for nearly anything, but a woman on a train.
• The only way he can hear any good about himself is to talk to himself.
• Every time a report comes about the dangers of second-hand cigarette smoke, he goes around blowing smoke in peopleís faces.
• He’s suffering from hardening of the hearteries.
• His motto is ĎA TOOTH FOR A TOOTH’, but expects yours to have gold in it.
• He folds his newspaper so the guy next to him in the bus can only read half the newspaper.
• You could not warm up to him if you were cremated together.
• Lots of people would love working for him – if they were graver diggers.
• He’d steal a dead fly from a blind spider.

The Best Insults and Sarcasm

• I’d insult you, but you’re not smart enough to notice.
• Does your train of thought have a caboose?
• I have a computer, a vibrator, & pizza delivery. Why should I leave the house?
• Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven’t fallen asleep yet.
• A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
• Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
• Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.
• I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.
• Did I mention the kick in the groin you’ll be receiving if you touch me?
• If I throw a stick, will you leave?
• You!… Off my planet!
• Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
• And which dwarf are you?
• If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I’ll put shoes on my cats.
• And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be…?
• Do I look like a people person?
• This isn’t an office. It’s Hell with fluorescent lighting.
• I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
• I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
• Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
• Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
• Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
• A hard-on doesn’t count as personal growth.
• A PBS mind in an MTV world.
• Allow me to introduce my selves.
• Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
• Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
• See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
• It ain’t the size, it’s… no, it’s the size.
• Can I trade this job for what’s behind door 1?
• I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
• Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I’m wrong.
• Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
• Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.
• I plead contemporary insanity.
• How do I set a laser printer to stun?
• Meandering to a different drummer.
• The difference between this company and a cactus plant is that the plant has pricks on the outside.
• May your daughters’ hair grow thick, black, and abundant — all over their faces.
• May your children be so famous every policeman knows them.
• May the Fleas of a Thousand Camels infest one of your Erogenous Zones.

Quotable – Insults and Comebacks

I can’t believe that out of 10,000 sperm, you were the quickest.
~Steven Pearl

I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.
~Groucho Marx

Coolidge was known for his terse speech and reticence. A woman bet her friend that she could get Coolidge to speak to her, which was something he was reluctant to do.
She went up to him and said: “Hello, Mr. President, I bet my friend that I could get you to say three words to me.”
“You lose,” Coolidge replied dryly, and walked away.
~Author Unknown

Just the omission of Jane Austen’s books alone would make a fairly good library out of a library that hadn’t a book in it.
~Mark Twain

Lady Nancy Astor, Viscountess: “If you were my husband, Winston, I should flavour your coffee with poison.”
Winston Churchill: “If I were your husband, madam, I should drink it.”

She looked as if she had been poured into her clothes and had forgotten to say “when.”
~P.G. Wodehouse

Yes, Agassiz does recommend authors to eat fish, because the phosphorus in it makes brain. So far you are correct. But I cannot help you to a decision about the amount you need to eat – at least, not with certainty. If the specimen composition you send is about your fair usual average, I should judge that a couple of whales would be all you would want for the present. Not the largest kind, but simply good middling-sized whales.
~Mark Twain

Dustin Farnum: “I’ve never been better! In the last act yesterday, I had the audience glued to their seats.” Oliver Herford: “How clever of you to think of it.”

I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top.
~English professor, Ohio University

I could eat alphabet soup and shit better lyrics.
~Johnny Mercer, on a British musical

I love Wagner, but the music I prefer is that of a cat hung up by its tail outside a window and trying to stick to the panes of glass with its claws.
~Charles Baudelaire

The problem with the gene pool is that there’s no lifeguard.
~David Gerrold

The trouble with her is that she lacks the power of conversation but not the power of speech.
~ George Bernard Shaw

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.
~Dorothy Parker, book review

During his 1956 presidential campaign, a woman called out to Adlai E. Stevenson: “Senator, you have the vote of every thinking person!”.
Stevenson called back “That’s not enough, madam, we need a majority!