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The Funniest Workplace Humor

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The Funniest Workplace Humor

Humor is a funny thing. Sometimes, it’s what keeps you going in the hardest of times. It’s known to be a secret weapon for easing tensions and connecting with others. The workplace is no exception to this rule. In fact, since there are more variables or challenges in the office environment, humor may be even more valuable in the workplace than it would be at home.

The workplace can often lack humor because there are many different cultures represented by the employees and they each have their own sense of humor that may not translate well across cultures or languages. Today, we present you with some of the funniest office places humor out there. Enjoy!

Office Vocabulary

  • Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed, or a project failed, and who was responsible.
  • Seagull manager: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, shits over everything, then leaves.
    Salmon day:
    The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.
  • Chainsaw Consultant:An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee head count, leaving the brass with clean hands.
  • CLM: “Career Limiting Move”. Used amongst microserfs to describe ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss whilst he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM. (Also known as CLB: Career Limiting Behavior.)
  • Adminisphere: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
  • Flight risk: Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave the company or department soon.
  • 404: Someone who’s clueless. From the World Wide Web error message “404: Not Found”, meaning that the requested document could not be located. “Don’t bother asking him . . he’s 404, man.”
  • Ohnosecond: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you’ve just made a BIG mistake.
  • Percussive maintenance: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
  • Prairie dogging: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a” cube farm” (an office full of cubicles) and everyone’s heads pop up over the walls to see what’s going on.
  • Assmosis: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss.
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The Making of a Boss

When the Lord made man, all the parts of the body argued over who would be boss.

The brain explained that since he controlled all the parts of the body, he should be boss. The legs argued that since they took man wherever he wanted to go, they should be boss.

The stomach countered with the explanation that since he digested all the food, he should be boss. The eyes said that without them man would be helpless, so they should be boss. Then the asshole applied for the job. The other parts of the body laughed so hard at this that the asshole became mad and closed up.

After a few days…

The brain went foggy, the legs got wobbly, the stomach got ill, and the eyes got crossed and unable to see. They all conceded and made the asshole boss.

This proved that you don’t have to be a brain to be boss… Just an Asshole

The Plan

  • In the beginning was the Plan.
  • And then came the Assumptions.
  • And the Assumptions were without form.
  • And the Plan was without substance.
  • And darkness was upon the face of the Workers.
  • And they spoke among themselves, saying, “It is a crock of sh*t, and it stinks.”
  • And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and said, “It is a pail of dung, and we can’t live with the smell.
  • And the Supervisors went unto their Managers, saying, “It is the container of the excrements, and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it.”
  • And the Mangers went unto their Directors, saying, “It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength.”
  • And the Directors spoke among themselves, saying to one another, “It promotes growth, and it is very powerful.”
  • And the Vice Presidents went to the President, saying unto him, “This new plan will actively promote the growth and vigor of the company with very powerful effects.”
  • And the President looked upon the Plan and saw that it was good.
  • And the Plan became Policy.
  • And that is how s**t happens.
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Signs Your Company is Planning a Layoff

  • CEO frequently overheard mumbling, “Eeny, meeny, miney, moe.”
  • Dr. Kervorkian hired as “Transition Consultant.”
  • Windows 95 shutdown screen reads, “It is Now Safe to Start Looking for Work.”
  • Company softball team downsized to chess team.
  • Sudden proliferation of teen-age geek interns.
  • Your boss keeps asking you when he can “show your cubicle.”
  • Company president now driving a Hyundai.
  • Annual company holiday bash moved from Sheraton banquet room to abandoned Fotomat Booth.
  • Guard at front desk nervously fingers his revolver whenever you pass by.
  • Giant yard sale in front of corporate headquarters.
  • Employee Discount Days discontinued at Ammo Outlet.
  • Company dental plan now consists of pliers and string

Interview with a Signalman

Andy wants a job as a signalman on the railways. He is told to meet the inspector at the signal box.
The inspector puts this question to him: “What would you do if you realized that 2 trains were heading for each other on the same track?” Andy says, “I would switch the points for one of the trains.”

“What if the lever broke?” asked the inspector. “Then I’d dash down out of the signal box,” said Andy, “and I’d use the manual lever over there.”

“What if that had been struck by lightning?” “Then,” Andy continues, “I’d run back into the signal box and phone the next signal box.”

“What if the phone was engaged?” “Well in that case,” persevered Andy, “I’d rush down out of the box and use the public emergency phone at the level crossing up there.”

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“What if that was vandalized?” “Oh well then I’d run into the village and get my uncle Silas.”

This puzzles the inspector, so he asks, “Why would you do that?” Came the answer, “Because he’s never seen a train crash.”

Quotes and Comments from and about Bosses

  • “I didn’t say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame it on you.”
  • A motivational sign at work: The beatings will continue until morale improves.
  • A direct quote from the Boss: “We passed over a lot of good people to get the ones we hired.”
  • My Boss frequently gets lost in thought. That’s because it’s unfamiliar territory.
  • My Boss said to me, “What you see as a glass ceiling, I see as a protective barrier.”
  • My Boss needs a surge protector. That way his mouth would be buffered from surprise spikes in his brain.
  • He’s given automobile accident victims new hope for recovery. He walks, talks and performs rudimentary tasks, all without the benefit of a SPINE.
  • Some people climb the ladder of success. My Boss walked under it.
  • Quote from the Boss after overriding the decision of a task force he created to find a solution: “I’m sorry if I ever gave you the impression your input would have any effect on my decision for the outcome of this project!”
  • HR Manager to job candidate: “I see you’ve had no computer training. Although that qualifies you for upper management, it means you’re under-qualified for our entry level positions.”
  • Quote from telephone inquiry:“We’re only hiring one summer intern this year and we won’t start interviewing candidates for that position until the Boss’ daughter finishes her summer classes.