Best Jokes about Drunks

Jokes about Drunks

People have been drinking since the beginning of human society and they have probably also been making fun of drunk people since the first alcoholic drunks were consumed by our early ancestors.

Over time, there is quite an archive of these jokes. And today we present some of our favorites. Print these out for your night on the town and tell your friends when you are out drinking. They will make the whole group LOL.

The Most Hilarious Jokes about Drunks

The Drunk

A guy is sitting at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He’s slamming tequila left and right. he grabs one, drinks it, goes over to a window and jumps out.

The guy who was sitting next to him couldn’t believe that the guy had just done that. He was more surprised when, ten minutes later, the same guy, unscathed, comes walking back into the bar and sits back down next to him.

The astonished guy asks,” How did you do that???? I just saw you jump out that window and we’re hundreds of feet above the ground!!!” The jumper responds by slurring, “Well, I don’t get it either. I slam a shot of tequila and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch.”

He takes a shot, slams it down, goes tot the window and jumps out. The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls until right before the ground, slows down and lands softly on his feet.

A few minutes later, the guy walks back into the bar. The other guy has to try it too, so he orders a shot of tequila. he drinks it and goes to the window and jumps.

As he reaches the bottom, he doesn’t slow down at all….SPLAT!!!!!! The first guy orders another shot of tequila and the bartender says to him,” You’re really an jerk when you’re drunk, Superman.”

Drunk Belcher

A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink.

The bartender politely informs the man that it appears he has already had plenty to drink and that he could not be served additional liquor. The bartender offers to call a cab for him.

The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down from the bar stool, and staggers out the front door.

A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the side door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink.

The bartender comes over and – still politely if not more firmly – refuses service to the man and again offers to call a cab. The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.

A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink.

The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is drunk and will be served no drinks. He then tells him that he can either call a cab or the police immediately.

The surprised drunk looks at the bartender and in hopeless anguish cries, “Man! How many bars do you work at?”

Related: Bartender Jokes

Drunk and the Nun

There was a guy in a bar one night that got really drunk, I mean really, really, really drunk. When the bar closed he got up to go home. As he stumbled out the door he saw a nun walking on the sidewalk. So he stumbled over to the nun and punched her in the face. Well the nun was really surprised but before she could do or say anything he punched her again. This time she fell down and he stumbled over to her and kicked her in the butt. Then he picked her up and threw her into a wall. By this time the nun was pretty weak and couldn’t move. So then he stumbled over to her, put his face right next to hers and said. “Not very strong tonight, are you Batman?”

Got Beer?

Joe tells his wife he is heading out to the pub for a drink.
His wife starts complaining you never take me anywhere anymore.

After hours of complaining the husband agrees to take his wife to the pub. They sit down at a table and the husband gets up and goes to get drinks for him and his wife.

While he was gone a man walks up to Joe’s wife and tells her he wants to turn her upside down fill her with beer and drink her dry. Joe’s wife exclaims, “you sick pervert get out of my sight.”
Joe returned and his wife told him what happened and to go kick that guy’s ass.

Joe said, “No way you don’t mess with a guy who can drink that much beer.”

Related: Funniest “Walks into a bar…” Jokes

High Tech

A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He starts dialing numbers like there’s a telephone in his hand, then puts his palm up against his cheek and begins talking.

Suspicious, the bartender walks over and tells him this is a very tough neighborhood and he doesn’t need any trouble here.

The guy says, “You don’t understand. I’m very hi-tech. I had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular.”
The bartender says “Prove it.”

The guy dials up a number and hands his hand to the bartender. The bartender talks into the hand and carries on a conversation. “That’s incredible!” says the bartender. “I would never have believed it!” “Yeah”, said the guy, “I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you name it.
By the way, where is the men’s room?” The bartender directs him to the men’s room.

The guy goes in and 5, 10, 20 minutes go by and he doesn’t return. Fearing the worst given the neighborhood, the bartender goes into the men’s room to check on the guy.

The guy is spread-eagled up against the wall. His pants are pulled down and he has a roll of toilet paper up his butt.

“Oh my god!” said the bartender. “Did they rob you? Are you hurt?”
The guy turns and says: “No, no, I’m ok. I’m just waiting for a fax.”

Related: Funniest Jokes about Walking Into a Bar

25 Signs that you may have had too much to drink

1.) You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
2.) You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
3.) Job interfering with you’re drinking.
4.) Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
5.) Career won’t progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.
6.) The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
7.) Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
8.) 24 hours in a day. 24 beers in a case – coincidence?
9.) Two hands and just one mouth… – now THAT’S a drinking problem!
10.) You can focus better with one eye closed.
11.) The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
12.) Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
13.) Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
14.) Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you
15.) At AA meetings you begin: “Hi, my name is… uh…”
16.) Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
17.) The whole bar says ‘Hi’ when you walk in.
18.) You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and Women
19.) Every night you’re beginning to find your roommate’s cat more and more attractive.
20.) Roseanne looks good.
21.) Don’t recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.
22.) That stupid pink elephant followed me home again.
23.) Senator’s Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you.
24.) “I’m as jober as a sudge.”
25.) The shrubbery’s drunk from too frequent watering.

Beer and a Box

A drunk walked into a tavern, sat down at the bar, sat a small cardboard box on the bar, and ordered a beer. When the beer came, he opened the box, pulled out a tiny piano and bench and set them on the bar, then ordered another beer. When the beer came, he reached into the box, pulled out a frog, sat him on the piano bench and said, “PLAY”. The frog immediately began to play the piano. It played all the favorites, and some classical and then launched into contemporary jazz.

The man ordered another beer, and when it came he reached into the cardboard box and pulled out a little white mouse. He set this mouse on top of the piano and said “SING”. The frog began to play the piano and the mouse began to sing, first some ‘oldies but goodies’, then all of the current favorites.

A man at the bar who was watching all of this approached the man and offered to buy this little outfit that the man had. After a bit of negotiating, the man drunk agreed to sell it to the man for $500. The man gathered everything into the little cardboard box and ran out the door before the drunk could change his mind.

The bartender had been watching all of this goings on and said to the drunk “You damned old fool! You just sold that little outfit you had for $500 and you could have made millions off of it!”

The drunk laughed heartily and replied “I am not the fool, the guy who bought it is. Do you really think I would have sold that if that mouse could really sing?”
The bartender responded “What do you mean, I stood right here and listened to that mouse sing!”

“The joke is on you and the guy who bought that outfit my friend “, chuckled the drunk. “That mouse can’t sing. The frog is a ventriloquist!”

Related: The funniest frog jokes!

Flush

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood-curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom.

A few minutes after that, another loud scream echo’s through the bar.
The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate what the drunk is screaming about. What’s all the screaming about in there? You’re scaring my customers!”

The drunk responds, “I’m just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls.”

The bartender opens the door and looks in. You idiot! You’re sitting on the mop bucket!

What! Me Drunk?

A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at 2am, at which time he is extremely drunk.

When he enters his house, he doesn’t want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end.

That wouldn’t have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke, and the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly. But,he was so drunk that he didn’t know he was hurt.

A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood,so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up something terrible. Well, he repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed.

The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.

“Well, you really tied one on last night,” she said. “Where’d you go?” “I worked late,” he said, “and I stopped off for a couple of beers.”

“A couple of beers? That’s a laugh,” she replied, “You got plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?”

“What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?”

“Well,” she replied, “my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror.”

Belligerent Bear

A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.

The bartender approaches and says, “We don’t serve beer to bears in bars in Billings.”

The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer. The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, “We don’t serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings.”

The bear, very angry now, says, “If you don’t serve me a beer, I’m going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar.”

The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings.”

The bear goes to the end of the bar, and as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.

The bartender states, “Sorry, we don’t serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings that are on drugs.”

The bear says, “I’m not on drugs.”

The bartender says, “You are now, that was a Barbityouate.”

Related: Only The Best Bear Jokes

Beer and a Box

A drunk walked into a tavern, sat down at the bar, sat a small cardboard box on the bar, and ordered a beer. When the beer came, he opened the box, pulled out a tiny piano and bench and set them on the bar, then ordered another beer.

When the beer came, he reached into the box, pulled out a frog, sat him on the piano bench and said, “PLAY”. The frog immediately began to play the piano. It played all the favorites, and some classical and then launched into contemporary jazz.

The man ordered another beer, and when it came he reached into the cardboard box and pulled out a little white mouse. He set this mouse on top of the piano and said “SING”. The frog began to play the piano and the mouse began to sing, first some ‘oldies but goodies’, then all of the current favorites.

A man at the bar who was watching all of this approached the man and offered to buy this little outfit that the man had. After a bit of negotiating, the man drunk agreed to sell it to the man for $500.

The man gathered everything into the little cardboard box and ran out the door before the drunk could change his mind.

The bartender had been watching all of this goings on and said to the drunk “You damned old fool! You just sold that little outfit you had for $500 and you could have made millions off of it!”

The drunk laughed heartily and replied “I am not the fool, the guy who bought it is. Do you really think I would have sold that if that mouse could really sing?”

The bartender responded “What do you mean, I stood right here and listened to that mouse sing!”

“The joke is on you and the guy who bought that outfit my friend “, chuckled the drunk. “That mouse can’t sing. The frog is a ventriloquist!”

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