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Funniest Psychiatrist Jokes

Psychiatrist Jokes

Physicians who specialize in psychiatry are called psychiatrists. Psychiatrists diagnose and treat mental illnesses with medication or therapy. Psychiatrists can also prescribe drugs to help patients manage their symptoms.

Psychiatrists work to diagnose and treat patients with a wide range of mental health conditions such as anxiety, depression, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, eating disorders, autism spectrum disorder (ASD), obsessive-compulsive disorders (OCD), attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Psychiatrists also provide services to the elderly population with dementia and Alzheimer’s disease.

Because getting mental health treatment is still a very anxiety producing thing for most of us, these jokes tend to have a darker side.

The Funniest Psychiatry, Psychiatrist, and Psychiatric Jokes

We have a wide array of funny one liners and longer jokes including stories too.

Enjoy!

Short funny psychiatrist jokes

My psychiatrist sent me for an MRI because she thinks I have a magnetic personality.

They sent me to see a shrink. Why didn’t they shrink the amount of the bill?

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

An elevator walks into a psychiatrist office and says, hey Doc i think I’m out of control. The Doctor replies your an elevator in your line of work your going to have your ups and downs!

What do you call a student that got C’s all the way through med school? Hopefully not your psychiatrist. Why did the doctor send the expression to a psychiatrist? Because it wasn’t rational.

Why can’t you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom? Because the ‘p’ is silent.

How many Psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but the bulb has got to really WANT to change.

What happens when a psychiatrist and a hooker spend the night together? In the morning each of them says: “200 dollars, please.”

What’s the difference between a psychologist and a magician? A psychologist pulls habits out of rats!

What happens when a psychiatrist and a hooker spend the night together? In the morning each of them says: “120 dollars, please.”

A psychotic thinks that two and two are five. A neurotic knows two and two are four — but he hates it.

Psychiatrist to his nurse: “Just say we’re very busy. Don’t keep saying ‘It’s a madhouse.'”

What happens when a psychiatrist and a hooker spend the night together?
In the morning each of them says: “120 dollars, please.”

Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for a man then for a women?
Because when it’s time to go back to childhood, a man is already there.

Two psychiatrists pass in the hall. The first says, “Hello.” The other thinks, “I wonder what he meant by that.”

A patient is seeing his psychiatrist for the first time and is undergoing the Rorschach test. After each ink blot the patient exclaims that it is a couple copulating. The psychatrist stops the test and observes, “You appear to have a preoccupation with s*x.” And the patient replies, “You’re the one showing the dirty pictures.”

Psychiatrist: So how long have you believed in reincarnation? 

Ever since I was a puppy.

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one, but the light has to really want to change.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion.

He said okay, you’re ugly too.

Pay in Advance

I told my psychiatrist I’m having suicidal thoughts

He said i have to start paying him in advance from now on

Memory Loss – How Long?

Psychiatrist: “How long have you had short-term memory loss?”

Patient: “As long as I can remember.”

Irrational Fears

My psychiatrist asked me if I have any irrational fears…

I was afraid that she’d ask that

A lady walks in to her psychiatrist’s office with a duck on a leash…

The doctor takes a look and says, “How can I help you, ma’am?”

“Thank you, doctor. But, it’s not me, it’s my husband. He thinks he’s a duck.”

 

What is the difference between a daydreamer, a psychopath and a psychiatrist?

The daydreamer builds a Castle in his mind, the psychopath lives in it and the psychologist collects the rent

Related: The funniest social  work jokes!

Psychopath or Not?

My psychiatrist said I might be a psychopath….

Good news is atleast I’m on a path

 

Longer Jokes – including stories -about Psychiatrists, psychiatry and therapy

These are very funny!

Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline:

  • If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
  • If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
  • If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
  • If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
  • If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
  • If you are depressed, it doesn’t matter which number you press. No one will answer.
  • If you are delusional and occasionally hallucinate, please be aware that the thing you are holding on the side of your head is alive and about to bite off your ear.

Psychiatrist Doing Group Therapy

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. “You all have obsessions,” he observed.
To the first mother he said, “You are obsessed with eating. You even named your daughter Candy.”

He turned to the second mom. “Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child’s name, Penny.”

He turned to the third mom. “Your obsession is alcohol and your child’s name is Brandy.”

At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, “Come on, Dick, let’s go home.”

A Guy Goes into a Bar…

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, “Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?”
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, “NO! I won’t sleep with you tonight!” Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, “I’m sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I’m a graduate student in psychology, and I’m studying how people respond to embarrassing situations.”

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, “What do you mean $200?!”

 

Psychiatrist and a psychologist joke

What is the difference between a psychiatrist and a psychologist? If you say to a psychiatrist “I hate my mother,” he will ask “Why do you say that?” while a psychologist will say “Thank you for sharing that with us.”

Related: Funny Psychology Jokes

Longer Story jokes about Psychiatry and Psychiatrists.

The Woman Dating Nice Guys

A young woman took her troubles to a psychiatrist. “Doctor, you must help me,” she pleaded. “It’s gotten so that every time I date a nice guy, I end up in bed with him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week.”

“I see,” nodded the psychiatrist. “And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter.”

“For God’s sake, NO!” exclaimed the woman. “I want you to fix it so I won’t feel guilty and depressed afterward.”

 

What is the difference between a psychiatrist and a psychologist?
If you say to a psychiatrist “I hate my mother,” he will ask “Why do you say that?”
While a psychologist will say “Thank you for sharing that with us.”

Related: The Funniest Doctor Jokes

Neurotics build castles in the sky.
Psychotics live in them.
Psychiatrists collect the rent.

Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline

  • If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
  • If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
  • If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
  • If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
  • If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
  • If you are depressed, it doesn’t matter which number you press. No one will answer.
  • If you are delusional and occasionally hallucinate, please be aware that the thing you are holding on the side of your head is alive and about to bite off your ear.

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