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Funniest Walks Into a Bar Jokes

Funniest Walks Into a Bar Jokes

If you have ever heard a joke that starts with “So ____ walks into a bar….” then you have heard these types of jokes before. We have rounded up our favorite and if you read through these you will have some funny jokes to share with your friends next time you are out having a drink!

The Very Funniest Jokes about Walking into a Bar

The Duck

A man walks into a bar with a metal box under one arm and a duck under the other. The man walks up to the bar and asks the bar tender “if you give me a free bottle of beer I’ll show you my dancing duck.”

The barman is surprised, but gives the guy a bud and asks the bloke to show him the duck dancing. So the guy puts the metal box on the bar, and stands the duck on top of it. A few seconds later the duck starts to jump around, as if he’s doing an Irish jig.

Everyone in the bar is now watching this duck dancing, and the barman offers the guy $50 for the duck and the box. The bloke accepts, and the pub is filled day and night for 3 days with people watching the amazing dancing duck.

So 3 days after he sold the barman the duck, the guy walks back in to the pub and sees his duck dancing on the box on top of the bar.

The barman sees the guy and offers him a bottle of bud on the house. As he gives the guy the bud, the barman asks, “Could you tell me how you stop the duck from dancing on top of the box?”

The man replies, “Oh that’s easy, you just take the hot coals out.”

The Pony

A pony walks into a bar and says “Bartender, may I have a drink?”
Bartender says “What? I can’t hear you. Speak up!”
“May I please have a drink?”
“What? You have to speak up!”
“Could I please have a drink?”
“Now listen, if you don’t speak up I will not serve you.”
“I’m sorry, I’m just a little hoarse.”

Related: The most hilarious Redneck Jokes Ever

The Seal

A baby seal walks into a bar and sits down. “What can I get you?” asked the bartender.

“Anything but a Canadian Club” replied the seal.

Blind Man

A blind man walks into a bar with a seeing-eye dog. When the blind man reaches the center of the bar, he snatches the dog up by his collar and starts swinging him around and around.

The bartender speaks up and says “Hey what the hell are you doing?”
The blind man says, “Just taking a look around..”

Bears in Bars

There is this bear, right, and he walks into a bar. He goes up to the bartender and says “Can I have a large Gin and . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Tonic Please?”

The Barman replies “Yeah sure, but what’s with the big pause?”

The bear holds up his paws and says “I’m a bear!!”

Related: Only The Best Bear Jokes

Two Penguins

Two penguins walk into a bar…a third penguin says “You’d have thought the second one would have seen it.”

Van Gogh’s Ear

Ear today… A man walks into a pub, goes up to the bar “Pint of your best” he says to the bar man.
Whilst waiting for his drink he notices that Vincent Van Gogh is sitting at one of the tables. He goes up to him and says “Are you Vincent Van Gogh?”

“Yes” the old man replies.

“Do you want a pint?”

“No, ta. I’ve got one `ere.”

Mirror Mirror

Mirror mirror There is legend that goes like this: In a bar in New York there is a magical mirror If you go up to it and tell it the truth it will grant you a wish If you lie – poof it swallows you up.
A brunette, a blonde and a redhead walk into this bar. They head straight for the mirror. The redhead goes first and says “I think I’m the most beautiful woman on Earth” Poof- the mirror swallows her up.

The brunette goes up to the mirror and says “I think I’m the sexiest woman on Earth” Poof – the mirror swallows her up.

Last, the blonde goes up to the mirror says ” I think……..” Poof!!

Smartest Dog in the World

A guy walks in to a bar with his dog he puts the dog on the bar and says to the bartender, “This is the smartest dog in the world. I bet five dollars that you can ask him any thing and he will tell you the right answer.”

So the bartender said, “All right. What is 10+11+13.”

The dog said, “34.” Wow he got it right. So, he handed over the 5 dollar bill.

Then the guy said, “Don’t let my dog go anywhere I have to use the bathroom.”

So he hands the dog the 5 dollars to hold while he was in the bathroom. The bartender and the dog were having a conversation with each other so the bartender says, “If your so smart go down the road and get me a newspaper.” So the dog goes out the door then the guy comes out of the bathroom. He couldn’t see his dog so he asks the bartender where the dog was.

The bartender tells the guy, “The dog went to get me a newspaper.”

The guy throws a fit that the bartender let the dog leave. So the guy goes out to find his dog. He looked all over until he saw his dog in a alley making love to a poodle. The man says, What are you doing? You have never done this before.”

The dog says, “I have never had 5 dollars before either.”

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A hippopotamus walks into a bar…

A hippopotamus walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer. “That will be $7.50 please” says the bartender. So the hippo gives the bartender his money and starts to sip his beer. “You know we don’t very many hippos in here” mutters the bartender.

The hippo replies, “At these prices it’s no wonder!”

Stakes Are High

A man walks into a bar and orders a pint of beer. He looks around, admiring the room and he soon notices that there are big lumps of meat hanging on the ceiling. He then says to the bartender, “Why have you got all this meat hanging around?”

The barman says, ‘It’s a little bet that we are running. If you can jump up and grab a bit of meat in your mouth then you can have all of your drinks bought for you.

If you fail then you have to buy everyone else in the bar their drinks for them. Are you going to have a try at it”. The man shakes his head and says to the bartender, “No, the stakes are to high.” (stakes/steaks)

Two Hunters Walk into a Bar…

These two hunters enter the bar every day, the first one always carries the skin of an bear, the other one always empty handed. So the second one goes up to the first hunter and asks him how he gets to shoot a bear every day.

“Well, that’s easy” he replies,” I just go over to one of those holes in the mountain, stand in front of it and shout; ‘Yo, fat fucking cunt of a bear, get your stinking ass out off this hole!’ as loud as I can, then the bear gets out and I shoot the it. Easy as that.”

“O.K.” the other one says, “I’ll remember that”. So the next day the first hunter comes into the bar with his skin and orders a beer. About ten minutes later the second one crawls in, covered in blood, missing an leg, and is generally a mess. So the other hunter yells “What the happened to you man?!”

“Aargh”, says the other one ” I did what you told me to do, I went to a hole, started shouting and swearing at that bear and guess what happened?”

“What?” “A train came out”

They call it Oz

In the north of Australia is a place called Queensland which is very hot, humid and the pubs are rough.

Anyway, this posh pommie (English) bloke is traveling through Queensland in the middle of summer by bicycle and is caught in a huge tropical storm. He sees a sign which says there is a pub 18 miles up the road. So he rides his bike to the pub and when he finally gets there his appearance resembles that of a drowned rat.
Anyway, the locals hardly even look up from their beers as he walks in, dripping wet, and heads up to the bar and orders a scotch on ice. The barman gives him the worst scotch he has ever tasted but the pommie drinks it down and asks the barman where the dunny (toilet) is. The barman tells him it is outside.
So the pommie trudges outside into the rain and all he can see in the rain is two big piles of shit, one much bigger than the other. So the pommie walks over to the smaller pile, relieved that someone had the sense to start a new pile since the larger one was clearly unmanageable.
He has his pants around his ankles and is in the process of relieving himself when a gunshot rings out and a bullet smacks into the heap just beside his head.

Well the poor pommie turns around, in a somewhat vulnerable position, and sees this huge Aussie guy standing at the door of the pub with his still smoking gun in his hand.

“What..What is going on?” Stammers the poor pommie.
The huge Aussie responds “Get the hell out of the Laidies you dirty bastard.”

She Misunderstood What He Said

A guy walks into a bar where there is loud music playing. He spots a pretty girl at the end of the bar and approaches her. He says “Would you like to dance?” and she replies “I really don’t like this song. And even if I did I wouldn’t dance with you.”

To which the guy replies “I don’t think you heard me correctly. I said you look fat in those pants.”

Midget Walks Into a Bar

A three-foot midget walks into a bar and slips over on a pile of s**t.

Minutes later a huge tough guy walks into the bar and slips over on the pile of s**t.

Then the midget says to the big guy, “I just did that”, and the big guy punches the midgets lights out.

Related: The Funniest Jokes about Morons

A Penguin Looking for His Brother

A penguin walks into a bar, he goes to the counter and asks the barman

“Have you seen my brother?”.

The barman asks “What does he look like?”

Mr. Peanut never talked

A guy walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a drink. He starts eating the beer nuts at the bar and he hears a voice say, “Wow! You look GREAT tonight!”

The man looks over at the bartender who didn’t say anything and just keeps drinking and eating beer nuts and he hears something again!

“That’s an awesome shirt! You are amazing!”

He looks around and he’s the only guy in the place so asks the bartender if he had heard anything and the bartender says, “Was the voice saying bad things or good things?”

And the man replies, “Good things, why?”

And the bartender says, “It must have been the complimentary nuts.”

A Bear Walks Into a Bar

A bear walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says, “I’m sorry, we don’t serve bears.”

The bear demands a drink, but the bartender keeps refusing. Finally, the bear, glancing over at a woman sitting on a stool near him, says, “Either give me a drink, or I’ll bite off the arm of this woman sitting next to me.”

The bartender still refuses, so the bear leans over and bites off her arm. “Now, get me a drink, or I’ll bite off her other arm too.”

The bartender says, “Sorry, man, it’s not my policy. We don’t serve bears.”

So the bear takes off her other arm. “Now get me a drink, or else I’ll finish her off.”

But the bartender says no again, so the bear turns around, eats the rest of the women, and says, “Now get me a drink, or you’re next.”

The bartender shrugs. “Sorry, we don’t serve people who take drugs.”

The bear says, “I haven’t taken any drugs.”

But the bartender replies, “Well, that was a barbiturate.”

A chicken walks into a bar

The bartender says “We don’t serve poultry!”
The chicken says “That’s OK I just want a drink.”

Bar Flies

An Englishman, American, and Irishman, all walk into a bar and order a beer.

The bartender hands them there beer, however there are flies in each mug of beer.

Well the Englishman pushes the beer aside and says, “That’s disgusting.” The American pulls the fly out and starts drinking the beer.

The Irishman pulls the fly out, sets it out the counter and shouts, “SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD

 

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