Skip to content

The Funniest Light Bulb Jokes

  • by
Light Bulb Jokes

Lightbulb jokes are silly and good fun. They are often some of the first ones that kids enjoy. To make you LOL today, we have the best collection of them on the internet!

The Funniest and Silliest Lightbulb Jokes

Q: How many women does it take to change a light bulb ?
A: None, they all get electrocuted trying to excite the socket.
A: Three: one to take out the old one, one to sweep up the broken glass and another to phone her boyfriend to put the new one in.

Q: How many college students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: I dun no, I forgot my calculator at home.

Q: How many school teachers does it take to change a light bulb ?
A: Let’s see: 2 A+’s, 3 A’s, 5 A-‘s, 11 B+’s, 9 B’s, 21 B-‘s… A: None. Anything not completed during the lesson is added to the homework.
A: One if at home, but on school time, four.

Q: How many professors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one, but once we get tenure, we don’t change anymore.
A: Only one, but they get three tech. reports out of it.

Q: How many academics does it take to change a light bulb ?
A: None. That’s what research students are for.
A: Five: One to write the grant proposal, one to do the mathematical modeling, one to type the research paper, one to submit the paper for publishing, and one to hire a student to do the work.

Q: How many egotists does it take to change a light bulb ?
A: One. He holds onto the light bulb, and waits for the world to revolve around him.

Q. How many `Real Men’ does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None: `Real Men’ aren’t afraid of the dark.

Q: Why did the `Real Man’ sit in the dark?
A: He couldn’t find a new light bulb and was too embarrassed to ask.

Q: How many homophobes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: First, they can’t be sure the socket’s feminine, and second, they’d really rather the bulbs stayed in the closet where they belong.
A: It obviously has to be done by just one. They don’t screw around with other men.
A: Two: One to do it, and one to get the sterile rubber gloves because it’s possible that a gay touched the bulb before him.

Q: How many gay men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three, one to screw in an Art Deco bulb and two to shriek “Fabulous!”
A: None, they get screwed in the ass instead.
A: Hey, don’t let’s talk about the light bulb, honey, let’s talk about the shade !
A: Two. One to change it and one to grow a droopy moustache.

Related: Computer Nerd Jokes

Q: How many lesbians does it take to change a light bulb ?
A: Sixty-nine.
A: Three. One to screw it in and two to talk about how much better it is than with a man.
A: Two, one to do it and one to make a video documentary about it.
A: Two. One to screw it in real good and one to call the gynecologist.

Q: How many prostitutes does it take to change a light bulb ?
A: None. “Who needs lights ?”
A: None – they get screwed – they don’t usually do the screwing.

Like Tongue Twisters? See our Ultimate Collection of Tongue Twisters

Q: How many orgy attendees does it take to change a light bulb?
A: As many as possible, and don’t *ask* what they do with the old bulb.

Q: How many `Real Women’ does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None: A `Real Woman’ would have plenty of real men around to do it, and one of them can change the bulb while he’s at it.

  The Darkest Cannibal Jokes You've Ever Heard!

Q: How many health food freaks does it take to change a light bulb ?
A: Two. One to remove the old one, and one to check the ingredients on the new one.

Q: How many new romantics does it take to change a light bulb ?
A: Two. One to change it and one to say “Wow, what an amazing concept, man !”

Q: How many massage parlor attendants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Whatever number turns you on, big boy.

Q: How many massage parlor attendants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but you have to nag him for a fortnight first.
A: One, and one more to change it, and one more to keep track of how manythere are, and a woman to soothe their minds and provide wax jobs.
A: None. Men don’t screw-in light bulbs; they think they can turn them onjust by rubbing up against them.
A: Four. One to do the job and three to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
A: One — men will screw anything.

Q: How many Limbaugh-heads does it take to change a light bulb?
A: The number is irrelevant; they just stand around muttering “ditto”. And they don’t do anything in the first place.

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: How many can you afford?
A: It only takes one to change your bulb…to his.
A: Three. One to change it and 2 to keep interrupting by standing up and shouting “Objection !”
A: None, lawyers only screw us.
A: Lawyers don’t change bulbs. Now if you’re looking for someone to really screw a bulb…
A: Three-one to sue the power company for insufficiently supplying power, or negligent failure to prevent the surge that made the bulb burn out in the first place, one to sue the electrician who wired the house, and one to sue the bulb manufacturers.
A: Fifty four. Eight to argue, one to get a continuance, one to object, one to demur, two to research precedents, one to dictate a letter, one to stipulate, five to turn in their time cards, one to depose, one to write interrogatories, two to settle, one to order a secretary to change the bulb, and twenty-eight to bill for professional services.

Related: The Best Jokes about Biology

Q: How many American wrestlers does it take to change a light bulb ?
A: Three. One to yank the old bulb out, throw it on the floor, try and jump onto it from a great height, and act real surprised when it rolls out of the way at the last minute, one to pretend to twist the new one in round and round so far it almost breaks, and some guy in a black and white stripy uniform whose function is never made quite clear to protest about something or other, to the complete indifference of the bulb changers.
A: 5. One to change it 4 to fake it.

Q: How many pro-choicers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, one to do it and one to assert that the bulb didn’t exist before it was lit up.

Q: How many executives does it take to change a light bulb?
A: A roomful – they have to hold a meeting to discuss all t ramifications of the change.

Q: How many Necrophilia’s does it take to screw in a light bulb?”
A: None. Necrophilia’s prefer dead bulbs.
A: Only one. “Oh, excuse me, could you please test the socket with your finger while I go get a new bulb?

  The Most Hilarious Sky Diving Jokes

Q: How many massage parlor attendants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Whatever number turns you on, big boy.

Q: How many librarians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: I don’t know, but I can look it up for you.

Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: That depends on whether it has health insurance.
A: Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare.
A: None. They just tell it to take two aspirin and come round to the surgery later.
A: None. They only sign the death certificate and phone the mortuary.
A: None. They would diagnose depression and prescribe benzo diazapines.
A: Only one, but he has to have a nurse to tell him which end to screw in.

Q: How many surgeons does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They would wait for a suitable donor and do a filament transplant.
A: Three. They’d also like to remove the socket as you aren’t using it now.

Q: How many gay rights activists does it take to change a light bulb ?
A: None: The bulb shouldn’t have to change for society to accept it.

Q: How many politically correct people does it take to change a light bulb ?
A: None. “Why should we impose our values on the light bulb ? If it wishes to be a light bulb of no light, we should respect its uniqueness and individuality.”

Q: How many yuppies does it take to change a light bulb ?
A: Two. One to mix the gin n tonics, and one to phone the electrician

Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Six. One to screw in the light bulb and five to fend off all those Californians trying to share the experience.

Q: How many sexists does it take to change a light bulb ?
A: None. Let the bitch cook in the dark.
A: None. They have the girls do it.

Q: How many new men does it take to change a light bulb ?
A: Two. One to change it and one to hold the baby.
A: None. The consensus of opinion appears to be that there is no such thing as a genuine new man, and in any event, the media, who like telling us what we all like, have declared that women don’t really go for new men anyway, but instead prefer more masculinity nowadays.

Q: How many Republicans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two-one to do it and one to steady the chandelier.
A: None, they only screw the poor.

Q: How many Quality managers does it take to change a light bulb ?
A: We’ve formed a quality circle to study the problem of why light bulbs burn out and to determine the best thing we as managers can do to enable light bulbs to work smarter, not harder.

Q: How many admin assistants does it take to change a light bulb ?
A: None. I can’t do anything unless you complete a light bulb design change request form.

Q: How many civil servants does it take to change the light bulb?
A: 45. One to change the bulb, and 44 to do the paperwork.

Q: How many Federal employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Sorry, that item has been cut from the budget!

Q: How many European ballet dancers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they like Danzig in the dark.

  83 Humorous Birthday Knock Knock Jokes

Q: How many Mafia hitmen does it take to change a light bulb ?
A: Three. One to screw it in, one to watch, and one to shoot the witness.

Q: How many inner-city gang members does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Four-one to rob the liquor store to get money for the bulb, one to drive the getaway car, one to screw it in, and one to hold his crack pipe while he does it.

Q: How many Honor Guards does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 22, one to screw it in, 21 to shoot the bulb.

Q: How many ice skaters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, one to screw in the bulb, one to hire a hitman on club the other skater on the knee.

Q: How many amoebas does it take to change a light bulb ?
A: One. No, 2. No, 4. No, 8. No, 16. No, 32…….

Q: How many paranoids does it take to change a light bulb?
A: WHO WANTS TO KNOW?
A: JUST EXACTLY DO YOU MEAN BY THAT? HUH? HUH?

Q: How many movie actresses does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but you should’ve seen the line outside the producer’s hotel room.

Q: How many porn actresses does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Well, it looks like 2 of them are really doing it, but the real answer is actually none. They’re just faking it.

Q: How many movie directors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one, but he wants to do it thirty-two times and when he’s done everyone thinks that his last light bulb was much better.

Q: How many schizophrenics does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Well, he thinks it’s five but as we all now it’s only him, so…

Q: How many people with multiple personality disorder does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, but they’re really three.

Q: How many manic-depressives does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but they keep changing it back and forth between the new and old bulbs.

Q: How many smokers does it take to change a light bulb ?
A: At least five. If they all light up together the light bulb will do so too.

Q: How many anglers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five, and you should’ve seen the light bulb! It must have been *this* big! (Gestures with arms…) Five of us were barely enough!

Q: How many archaeologists does it take to change a light bulb ?
A: Three. One to change it and two to argue about how old the old one is.

A: One, but it takes a year to find an antique Edison light bulb so it’ll be architecturally accurate.

Q: How many aerobics instructors does it take to change a light bulb ?
A: Five. Four to do it in perfect synchrony and one to stand there going “To the left, and to the left, and to the left, and to the left, and take it out, and put it down, and pick it up, and put it in, and to the right, and to the right, and to the right, and to the right…”