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The Complete Guide to Redneck Jokes

Redneck Jokes

Redneck jokes are a unique form of American humor. Most they are making fun of working class, rural, uneducated and poor white people in the southern parts of the United States.

The Most Hilarious Redneck Jokes

Redneck One-Liners

What do rednecks call duct tape?
Chrome.

What’s the difference between a Yankee zoo and a Redneck zoo?
On the cage in a Yankee zoo, it will have the name of the animal and the scientific name in Latin. A Southern zoo will have the name of the animal and a recipe.

Did you hear about the redneck who passed away and left his entire estate in trust for his beloved widow?
She can’t touch it till she’s fourteen.

What’s the most popular pick up line in Arkansas?
Nice tooth!

Did you hear about the new 3 million dollar Arkansas State Lottery?
The winner gets 3 dollars a year for a million years.

What do a divorce in Arkansas, a tornado in Kansas and a hurricane in Florida have in common?

Somebody is fixin’ to lose them a house trailer.
Why do folks from Arkansas go to the movie theater in groups of 18 or more?
17 and under are not admitted.

What do you get when you have 32 Arkansasians in the same room?
A full set of teeth.

Did you hear that the Governors mansion in Arkansas burned down?
Almost took out the whole trailer park.

A new law was recently passed in Arkansas.
When a couple gets a divorce they’re still brother and sister.

How can you tell if a redneck is married?
There is tobacco spit stains on both sides of his pickup truck.

What’s the difference between Virginia and West Virginia?
In Virginia, Moosehead is a beer. In West Virginia it’s a misdemeanor.

Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in West Virginia to 32?

It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools!
What do they call “Hee Haw” in Arkansas?
A documentary.

What do they call it in Kentucky?
“Life Styles of the Rich and Famous.”

How many rednecks does it take eat a ‘possum?
Two. One to eat, and one to watch for cars.

Why did God invent armadillos?
So that rednecks can have ‘possum on the half shell

A guy walks into a bar and says, “I just heard a great redneck joke!” A HUGE guy stands up off a barstool and says, “Just a minute, buddy.

Before you tell that joke, I’m Jake. I’m six-three and weigh two-eighty, all muscle. And I’m a redneck.

That guy over there is a professional wrestler, and he’s a redneck. And the guy behind the bar has a pistol next to the cash register and he’s a redneck, too.

Now, you really want to tell that joke?”

And the fellow thinks and says, “Nah. I don’t want to have to explain it three different times.”

Related: The Funniest Wrestling Jokes

Longer Redneck Joke Stories – the funniest ones

You Might Be a Redneck IF…

  • Your computer stand is made of a stack of old tires or 2 x 8’s and cinderblocks.
  • You think www. in a url is a logo for a wrestling organization.
  • Someone tells You they’re “locked up” and You ask if they need bail money.
  • You’ve ever been too drunk to chat.
  • Your screen saver is a confederate flag and plays Dixie.
  • You think a hard drive is a trip to Uncle Bubba’s.
  • Your mouse keeps knocking over your spitcan.
  • You think a surge supressor is a pill for diarrhea.
  • You keep trying to figure out why your scanner won’t pick up police radio calls.
  • You think a megabyte is a new sandwich at McDonalds.
  • You have to ask someone how to spell LOL.
  • You stomach overlaps half of your keyboard.
  • You try to figure out how to get your empty beer cans into the recycling bin.
  • You try to turn on Your computer with the remote.
  • You try to figure out how Your floppy disk got hard.
  • You play Frisbee with your CD Rom’s.
  • You find yourself on the floor looking into your “A Drive” yelling ‘Give it back! Give it Back’.
  • When birds fly across your screen an you reach for Your shotgun.
  • You put a mousetrap on your desk.
  • Your yard is full of old computers stacked on cinder blocks.
  • You use Your CD-ROM drive as a beer holder.
  • You call tech support an ask where to buy stamps for your e-mail.
  • When You tern your computer on you say, “Come OOOOOOON Betsy.”
  • You think system wizard is a dude in a funny hat.
  • You think 64 M RAM is a new big block engine for Your pickup.
  • You think ICQ is how smart your computer is.
  • Someone tells you that your computer has a bug an you reach for the can of Raid.
  • You think a mouse pad is where Mighty Mouse and his cousins hang.
  • You go buy a surfboard to surf the net.
  • You think your homepage is where you really live.
  • You give directions to a website that include a person, animal, or old barn.
  • You think MB stands for “More Beer.”
  • You wait for the Bluelight special at K-Mart to buy your computer.
  • You see the word Download, and take the shells out of your shotgun.
  • You think the person that made your keyboard was dumb ‘cuz the letters aren’t in order.
  • You think pushing the delete key will make your ol’ lady disappear.
  • You think CD stands for Cow Dung.
  • You think GIF stands for “Goodie It’s Free.”
  • You think Mirabilis is a new brand of smokes.
  • You see the “shift” key and try to figure out how to change gears
  • You wonder why your screen saver ain’t wearing a cape like that there superhero on the TV
  • You think screen saver is a new flavor o’ candy.
  • You think Geocities is a place to buy little cars.
  • You catch yourself trying to smell the little flower on your ICQ contact list.
  • You think the “A drive” is where you park your pickup.
  • You see the word “Zip” and know why you were feeling a draft.
  • Your computer has a bumper sticker on it.
  • Part of Your computer is held together with duct tape.
  • You sees the word “Refresh” and reach into the cooler for another beer.
  • Your in a chat room and someone asks where your from and you reply, “My momma.”
  • You sees the word “Website” and start looking for spiders.
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Video: Jeff Foxworthy Shares the Origin of His Famous Redneck Jokes

Are You Smarter Than A 5th Grader? host Jeff Foxworthy talks to Jimmy about performing for Johnny Carson and the story behind his famous “redneck” jokes.

Southern Commandments

1. Y’all shalt always remember your manners.
2. Y’all shalt make no fuss over yourself.
3. Y’all shalt not sass your mama.
4. Y’all shalt always wonder what your daddy would think.
5. Y’all shalt always talk the way you grow’ed up.
6. Y’all shalt tell no whoppers unless you are in a situation where you are expected to.
7. Y’all shalt demonstrate your great faith by the way you drive.
8. Y’all shalt always clean your plate.
9. Y’all shalt hold kinfolk in high regard, regardless of what you really think of ’em.
10. Y’all shalt always remember where you come from.

Redneck Threats:

  • I’ll slap you so hard, your clothes will be outta style.
  • This’ll jar your preserves.
  • Don’t you be makin’ me open a can o’ whoop-ass on ya!

Redneck Good Things and Compliments:

  • Cute as a sack full of puppies.
  • If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it.
  • Gooder than grits.

Redneck Comments about The Weather

  • It’s so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs.
  • It’s been hotter’n a goat’s butt in a pepper patch.
  • Wintry roads are said to be “slicker than otter snot.

Favorite Descriptions That Rednecks Use

— A bothersome person is “like a booger that you can’t thump off.”
— When something is bad then you say, “that ain’t no count.”
— If something is hard to do, it’s “like trying to herd cats.”
— He ran like his feet was on fire and his ass was catchin.
— A hectic schedule keeps you “Busier than a cat covering crap on a marble floor.”

The Best Redneck Insults

  • She’s uglier than homemade soap.
  • Your momma’s so fat, when she stepped up on the scale to be weighed, it said ‘To be continued.’
  • He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.
  • Uglier than a lard bucket full of armpits.
  • The wheels still turning, but the hamsters dead
  • Any insulting statement is always followed by “bless his/her heart.” Example: “She’s dumber than a door knob, bless her heart.”

Related: The Funniest Jokes about Morons

Things You Would Never Hear a Southerner Say

– I thought Graceland was tacky.
– No kids in the back of the pick-up, it’s not safe.
– Honey, do these bonsai trees need watering?
– Wrasslin’s fake.
– “Alex, I’ll take Shakespeare for 1000.”
– Duct tape won’t fix that.
– Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.
– Come to think of it, I’ll have a Heineken.
– We don’t keep firearms in this house.
– Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
– You can’t feed that to the dog.
– Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
– We’re vegetarians.
– Do you think my hair is too big?
– I’ll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy.
– I’ve got it all on a floppy disk.
– Unsweetened tea tastes better.
– My fiancée, Paula Jo, is registered at Tiffany’s.
– I’ve got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
– Elvis who?
– Would you like you fish poached or broiled?
– Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
– Who’s Richard Petty?
– Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
– Deer heads detract from the decor.
– Spitting is such a nasty habit.
– I just couldn’t find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
– Trim the fat off that steak.
– Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
– The tires on that truck are too big.
– I’ll have the arugula and ridicchio salad.
– I don’t have a favorite college team.
– Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
– Checkmate.
– She’s too old to be wearing a bikini.
– Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
– Hey, here’s an episode of “Hee Haw” that we haven’t seen.
– I believe you cooked those green beans too long.
– Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.

A Yankee’s Translation of the Southern’s Vocabulary

We provide this translation of the Southern’s vocabulary in an attempt to teach them Yankees how to talk rightly.
Ah – The things you see with.
Aig – Which came first, the chicken or the aig?
Arn – An electrical instrument used to remove wrinkles from clothing.
Ay-rab – The people who inhabit much of North Africa.
Bawl – What water does.
Bidness – The art of selling something for more than you paid for it.
Bobbycue – A delectable Southern sandwich of chopped pork, cole slaw, and a fiery sauce.
Bud – Small feathered creature that flies.
Cheer – A piece of furniture used for sitting.
Chekatawfarya – Heard at service stations in small Southern towns.
Co-Cola – Soft drink.
Crine – Weeping.
Dawfins – Name of the professional football team in Miami.
Daints – A more or less formal event in which members of the opposite sex hold each other and move rhythmically to the south of music.
Doc – A condition caused by the absence of light.
Etlanna – The city General Sherman burned during the war for Southern independence.
Everthang – All-encompassing.
Far – A state of combustion that produces heat and light.
Foller – Spies and private detectives spend a lot of time doing this.
Git – To acquire.
Goff- A game played with clubs and a little white ball.
Gull – A young female.
Hale – Where General Sherman went for what he did to Etlanna.
Heidi – noun. Greeting
Hep – To aid or benefit.
Hire Yew
Idinit – “Mighty hot today, idinit?”
Keer – To be concerned.
Lieberry – A building containing thousands of literary works.
Moanin – Between daybreak and noon.
Motuhsickle – A two-wheeled missile with a powerful engine.
Munts – The 12 units into which the calendar year is divided.
Nawth – Any part of the country outside of the South.
Nekkid – To be unclothed.
Ovair – In that direction.
Own – Instead of awf.
Phrasin – Very cold.
Pitcher – An image, either drawn or photographed.
Sebmup – Soft drink similar to ginger ale.
Show – “It show is hot today.”
Spearmint – Something scientist do.
Stow – Place where things are sold.
Tal – What you dry off with after you take a share.
Tar – Round inflatable object that sometimes goes flat.
Uhmukin – Someone who lives in the United States of Uhmurka.
Zackly – Precisely

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The Outhouse

Two rednecks, Hank and Jenny Sue went for a walk in the countryside. After a while, Hank had to answer a call of nature. Spying an outhouse, he excused himself.

Jenny Sue waited for Hank…and waited, and waited. Finally, she looked inside and saw Hank stirring around in the outhouse muck with a stick. “Hank, what the hell are you doing, stirring in the shit?” she yells.

“I dropped my jacket down the hole,” he complains. “It’s the one my momma gave me.”

Jenny Sue shakes her head. “You’re crazy … you’re not gonna wear that thing now, are you?”

“Hell no,” Hank assures her, “but there’s a baloney sandwich in one of the pockets!”

Taxidermist

This guy walks into a bar down in Georgia and orders a Grape Nehi. Surprised, the bartender looks around and says, “You ain’t from around here. Where you from, boy?”

The guy says, “I’m from Pennsylvania.”

The bartender asks, “What do you do up in Pennsylvania?”

The guy responds, “I’m a taxidermist.”

The bartender asks, “A taxidermist… what the hell is a taxidermist?”

The guy says, “I mount dead animals.”

The bartender smiles and shouts to the whole bar, “It’s OK boys, he’s one of us!”

Couldn’t Tell A Lie

Two redneck brothers were knocking around one lazy summer day and thought it would be a good prank to push over the outhouse. They crept up from an advantageous direction like a couple of commandos, pushed the outhouse over on one side and headed for the woods.

They circled round and returned home an hour later from a completely different direction thus, trying to divert suspicion from themselves.

Upon returning, their father approached them with switch in hand and bellowed, “Did you two push the outhouse over this afternoon?”

The older boy replied, “As learned in school, I cannot tell a lie. Yes, Father, we pushed over the outhouse this afternoon.”

At this revelation, the redneck father proceeded to flail the two boys severely and sent them to bed without supper.

In the morning, the two boys meekly approached the breakfast table and took their seats. Everything was quiet until their father finally said, “Have you two learned your lesson?”

“Sure, Dad!” said the big brother, “But in school we learned that George Washington admitted to HIS father that he’d chopped down a cherry tree and he was forgiven because he told the truth.”

“Ah yes!” said the farmer, “But George’s DAD, wasn’t in the cherry tree when he chopped it down!!!”

Related: The Funniest Farmer Jokes!

Computer Terms For Rednecks

BACKUP: What you do when you run over a skunk in the woods.
BAR CODE: Them’s the fight’n rules down at the local tavern.
BUG: The reason you give for calling in sick.
BYTE: What your pit bull dun to cousin Jethro.
CACHE: Needed when you run out of food stamps.
CHIP: Pasture muffins that you try not to step in.
COMPUTER TERMINAL: Time to call the undertaker.
CRASH: When you go to Junior’s party uninvited.
DIGITAL: The art of counting on your fingers.
DISKETTE: A female Disco dancer.
FAX: What you lie about to the IRS.
HACKER: Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking.
INTERNET: Where cafeteria workers keep their hair.
KEYBOARD: Where you hang the keys to the John Deere.
MAC: Big Bubba’s favorite fast food.
MEGAHERTZ: How your head feels after 17 beers.
MODEM: What ya do when the grass gets too high.
MOUSE PAD: Where Mickey and Minnie live.
NETWORK: Scoop’n up a big fish before it breaks the line.
ONLINE: Where you stay when taking the sobriety test.
ROM: Where the pope lives.
SCREEN: Helps keep the skeeters off the porch.
SERIAL PORT: A red wine you drink with breakfast.
SUPERCONDUCTOR: Amtrak’s Employee of the year.
SCSI: What you call your week-old underwear

Etiquette Tips For Southern Folks

PERSONAL HYGIENE
–Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be hand-me-down item.
–While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one’s OWN truck keys.
–Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
–Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman’s jewelry and alter the tastes of finger foods.
–Plucking unwanted nose hair is time-consuming work. A cigarette lighter and a small tolerance for pain can accomplish the same goal and save hours. It’s a good idea to keep a bucket of water handy when using this method.

DINING OUT
–When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to “bruise” the fruit of the vine.
–If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
–Remember to leave a generous tip for good service. After all, their mobile home costs just as much as yours.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
–A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist
–Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners are.
–Be considerate of your guests. Point out in advance where the injury-threatening springs are located on the sofa.
–If your dog falls in love with a guest’s leg, have the decency to leave them alone for a few minutes.

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DATING (Outside the Family)
–Always offer to bait your date’s hook, especially on the first date.
–No matter how broke you are, never take your date flowers that were stolen from a cemetery.
–Be aggressive. Let her know you are interested: “I’ve been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the men’s bathroom wall two years ago.”
–Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00. Others might say “Monday.” If the latter is the answer, it’s the boy’s responsibility to get her to school on time.
–If a girl’s name does not appear regularly on a bathroom wall, water tower, or an overpass, odds are good that the date will end in frustration.
–Even if you can’t get a date, avoid kidnapping. It’s bad for your reputation.
–Always allow your date first pick of any roadkill you run across.

THEATER ETIQUETTE
–Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
–Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can’t hear you.

WEDDINGS
–Livestock usually is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
–Is it okay to bring a date to a wedding? Not if you are the groom.
–When dancing, never remove undergarments; no matter how hot it is.
–Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you cut.
–A bridal veil made of window screen is not only cost-effective, but also a proven fly deterrent.
–For the groom, at least rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a nice appearance. Though uncomfortable, say yes to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE
–Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.
–When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
–Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.
–When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
–Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
–Do not remove the seats from the car so that all your kids can fit in.
–Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS
–Never take a beer to a job interview or ask if they press charges.
–Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
–Always say “Excuse me” after getting sick in someone else’s car.
–It’s considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
–Even if you’re certain that you are included in the will, it’s considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
–The socially refined never fish coins out of public toilets, especially if other people are around.
–If you have to vacuum the bed, it’s time to change the sheets.
–Always provide an alibi to the police for family members.

You know you’re trailer trash when…

The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse.
You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the table in front of her kids.
You’ve been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
You think a woman who is “out of your league” bowls on a different night.
Jack Daniel’s makes your list of “Most Admired People.”
You think Genitalia is an Italian airline.
You wonder how gas stations keep their restrooms so clean.
Someone in your family died right after saying “Hey, y’all watch this!”
Your Junior/Senior prom had a daycare.
You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas it has in it.
Ya’ can’t git married to yer sweetheart ’cause there’s a dang law against it.
You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

 

You Might Be In A Redneck Volunteer Fire Department If….

  • Your department has ever had two emergency vehicles pulled over for drag racing on the way to the scene.
  • You have naked lady mud flaps on your pumper.
  • Your firehouse has wheels.
  • You’ve ever gotten back and found out you locked yourselves out of the firehouse.
  • Fire training consists of everyone standing around a fire gettin’ drunk.
  • You’ve ever let a person’s house burn down because they wouldn’t let you hunt on their ground.
  • At least one vehicle in the firehouse still has decorations on it from the Halloween Parade and it’s January.
  • Your personnel vehicle has more lights on it than your house has lights in it.
  • You don’t own a Dalmation, but you do have a coon dog named Sparky.
  • You’ve ever walked through a christmas display and came up with more than 3 new ideas for a light scheme for your truck.
  • Your rescue truck can smoke the tires.
  • Your department’s name is misspelled on the equipment.
  • Your engine had to be towed in the last Christmas Parade.
  • Dispatch can’t mention your name without laughing.
  • The local news crew won’t put your department on TV because you embarassed them last time.
  • Your defib consists of a pair of jumper cables, a marine battery, and a fish finder.
  • You’ve ever taken a girl on a date in a pumper.
  • Your pumper has been on fire more times than it has been to a fire.
  • Your pumper smokes more than the house fire.
  • The only time the trucks leave the station is on bingo night.

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