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The Funniest Farmer Jokes

Farmer Jokes

Farmers are the punchline of so many jokes. They are often silly humor that appeals to kids and very family friendly. Without further ado, we present some of the funniest farmer jokes. Enjoy!

Funniest Jokes about Farmers

Let’s start with some funny one liners and puns.

Farmer One Liner, Short Jokes an Puns

Did you hear about the magic tractor?
It turned into a field!

What kind of things does a farmer talk about when they are milking cows?
Udder nonsense!

Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?
Because they lactose!

Which farm animal keeps the best time?
A watch dog!

What is a farmer’s favorite Bruce Springsteen song?
Born in the USDA.

As farmers, we hear a lot of jokes about sheep.
We’d tell them to the dog, but he’d herd them all!

What did the mommy cow say to the baby cow?
“It’s pasture bedtime!”

What did the mommy cow say to the baby cow?
“It’s pasture bedtime!”

What is a happy farmer’s favorite candy?
A Jolly Rancher.

What do you call a sleeping bull?
A bulldozer.

Why did the farmer feed his pigs sugar and vinegar?
He wanted sweet and sour pork.

What’s the quietest animal on a farm?
A ssshhheep.

What do you call a cow with two legs?

Lean beef.

How do farmers party?
They turnip.

What did the Idaho farmer plant when he was not sure if he was going to sell the crop?
Spectators.

What’s it called when a tractor waits for a pedestrian to cross?
Crop yield.

Farmer Story Jokes

No Such Thing As A Free Ride

A farmer and his wife went to a fair. The farmer, who had never been on an airplane, was fascinated by a stunt plane and asked the pilot how much a ride would cost.
“$20 for 3 minutes.” the pilot replied.

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“That’s too much.” said the farmer.

The pilot thought for a second and then said, “I’ll make you a deal. If you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a sound, the ride will be free. But if you make any sound at all, you’ll have to pay me the $20.”

The farmer and his wife agreed and went for a thrilling ride. After they landed, the pilot said to the farmer, “I want to congratulate you for not making a sound. You are a brave man.” “Maybe so,” said the farmer, “but I gotta tell ya, I almost screamed when my wife fell out.”

The Farmer and the Old Mule

An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning til night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.

One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on.

All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement.

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This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it. So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.

The old farmer said, “Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I’d nod my head in agreement.”

“And what about the men?” the minister asked.

“They wanted to know if the mule was for sale.”

Chicken Or The Seed

A farmer goes into a farm supply store and orders two hundred chicks, explaining to the owner that he wants to start a chicken farm. Two weeks later, he returns to the store and buys another two hundred chicks. The owner is curious, but doesn’t say anything. The same thing happens when the farmer returns in another two weeks for another two hundred chicks.

When he returns for the fourth time, the owner’s curiosity is too much for him, so he asks the farmer why he keeps coming back for so many chicks. The farmer says, “Well, I guess I must be doing something wrong, but I don’t know what. I think I’m either planting them too deep or too close together.”

Bemused by his lack of success, the farmer sends off a report of what he has done to the local agricultural school, asking for advice. Three weeks later, the reply comes back, saying simply, “Please send soil sample.”

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Related: The Funniest Jokes about Chickens

You Might Be A Dairy Farmer…

  • If you know the price of milk per hundred weight but not by the gallon.
  • If the medicine cabinet contains a container of Bag Balm.
  • If you’ve ever gotten an award for fat (and were proud of it).
  • If your idea of a power lunch is a sandwich on a tractor.
  • If your idea of a neighborhood watch is someone calling you to let you know your heifers are out.
  • If you have more than a dozen cats.
  • If your idea of overnite delivery is pulling a calf at three in the morning.
  • If you can remember the name of every cow on your farm but the names of your children elude you.
  • If manure is a dinner table topic.
  • If your backyard ends at an electric fence.

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