Pastor Jokes

Pastor Jokes

Pastor jokes are a type of joke that is about a pastor and the things they do and say. It’s a way to poke fun at the clergy and their words. The first pastor joke was recorded in 1837 by Caryl, an Englishman, who wrote: “A certain country curate, though not remarkable for his wit or sense, had an especial knack of telling what he called ‘an anecdote of my father’.”

Without further ado, here is our collection of our favorite jokes about pastors – all good clean fun!

The Funniest Pastor Jokes You’ve Ever Heard!

I left my job as a pastor to start a cigarette company

It’s called “Holy Smokes”Why did the female minister go to bed?
It was pastor bedtime.

Why did the priest bless his milk?
To pastorize it.

I think my daughter has a crush on our pastor.
She talks about him religiously.

My old pastor was an outspoken advocate for Amazon.
I guess you could say he was a prime minister.

What do you call Pastors in Germany?
German Shepherds.

What do you call a pastor who got bailed out?
Christian Bale.

I left my pastor on read this morning
Call that a holy ghost

Longer Story Jokes about Pastors

The Pastor and the Eggs

The elderly pastor was cleaning up his office one Friday morning. In the back of the office, he found a small box containing 3 eggs and 100 $1 bills. He showed his secretary the box to ask her about the box and its contents.

Embarrassed, she admitted having hidden the box there for the last 25 years. Disappointed and hurt, the pastor asked her, “WHY?” The secretary replied that she hadn’t wanted to hurt his feelings.

He asked her how the box could have hurt his feelings. She said that every time that he had delivered a poor sermon, she had placed an egg in the box.

The pastor felt that 3 poor sermons in 25 years was certainly nothing to feel bad about, so he asked her what the $100 was for. She replied, “Each time I got a dozen eggs, I sold them to the neighbours for $1.”

Pastor’s Destiny

A mother woke her son up on Sunday morning and told him he needed to get ready to go to church. The son replied to his mother that he didn’t want to go to church this morning. She told him nonsense he should get up and go to church.
“But mom” he replied, “Everybody hates me, the sermons are boring and none of my friends ever come.”
His mother replied, “Now, son…! First, everybody doesn’t hate you, only a couple of bullies and you just have to stand up to them. Second, the sermons mean a lot to many people. If you listened to them, you’d be surprised at how good they are in helping people. Third, you have lots of friends at church. They are always having you over to their house. And finally, you have to go, you’re the pastor!!”

Visit by the Pastor

There was a priest from a very small church in the backwoods of Alaska. During his first year, he decided to visit two of his most remote parishioners to see how they was doing.

The man said that it was getting along, however he couldn’t have made it without his Rosary and two martinis each day.

With that he asked the priest, “Would you like to have a martini with me?”

The priest replied, “Yes, that would be nice.”
The man turned around and hollered towards the kitchen, “Rosary, would you fix us two martinis please?”

 

Pastoral Search Report

We do not have a happy report to give. We’ve not been able to find a suitable candidate for this church, though we have one promising prospect still. We do appreciate all the suggestions from the church members, and we’ve followed up each one with interviews or calling at least three references. The following is our confidential report on the present candidates.

  • Adam: Good man but problems with his wife. Also one reference told of how his wife and he enjoy walking nude in the woods.
  • Noah: Former pastorate of 120 years with no converts. Prone to unrealistic building projects.
  • Abraham: Though the references reported wife-swapping, the facts seem to show he never slept with another man’s wife, but did offer to share his own wife with another man.
  • Joseph: A big thinker, but a braggart, believes in dream-interpreting, and has a prison record.
  • Moses: A modest and meek man, but poor communicator, even stuttering at times. Sometimes blows his stack and acts rashly. Some say he left an earlier church over a murder charge.
  • David: The most promising leader of all until we discovered the affair he had with his neighbor’s wife.
  • Solomon: Great preacher but our parsonage would never hold all those wives.
  • Elijah: Prone to depression-collapses under pressure.
  • Elisha: Reported to have lived with a single widow while at his former church.
  • Hosea: A tender and loving pastor but our people could never handle his wife’s occupation.
  • Deborah: Female.
  • Jeremiah: Emotionally unstable, alarmist, negative, always lamenting things, and reported to have taken a long trip to bury his underwear on the bank of foreign river.
  • Isaiah: On the fringe? Claims to have seen angels in church. Has trouble with his language.
  • Jonah: Refused God’s call into ministry until he was forced to obey by getting swallowed up by a great fish. He told us the fish later spit him out on the shore near here. We hung up.
  • Amos: Too backward and unpolished. With some seminary training he might have promise, but has a hang-up against wealthy people. Might fit in better in a poor congregation.
  • John: Says he is a Baptist, but definitely doesn’t dress like one. Has slept in the outdoors for months on end, has a weird diet, and provokes denominational leaders.
  • Peter: Too blue collar. Has a bad temper—even has been known to curse. Had a big run-in with Paul in Antioch. Aggressive, but a loose cannon.
  • Paul: Powerful CEO type leader and fascinating preacher. However, short on tact, nforgiving with younger ministers, harsh and has been known to preach all night.
  • Timothy: Too young.
  • Jesus: Has had popular times, but once when his church grew to 5000 he managed to offend them all and this church dwindled down to twelve people. Seldom stays in one place very long. And, of course, he’s single.
  • Judas: His references are solid. A steady plodder. Conservative. Good connections. Knows how to handle money. We’re inviting him to preach this Sunday. Possibilities here.

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