The Funniest Accountant Jokes

Accountants can be seen as boring, predictable people who work with numbers all day. But they are not without personality. Accountant jokes are often used to poke fun at the accounting profession.

We have to admit, usually accountants are not the most exciting topic to discuss. However, these jokes about accountants will make you laugh and hopefully make your day a little bit brighter.

The Most Hilarious Jokes about Accounting and Accountants

Let’s start with some punchy short jokes.

Funny one liner and short accountant jokes

What’s the definition of an accountant?
Someone who solves a problem you didn’t know you had in a way you don’t understand.

“Old accountants never die. They just lose their balance.”

What’s the definition of a good tax accountant?
Someone who has a loophole named after him.

When does a person decide to become an accountant?
When he realizes he doesn’t have the charisma to succeed as an undertaker.

What’s an actuary?
An accountant without the sense of humor.

Why do some accountants decide to become actuaries?
They find bookkeeping too exciting.

What’s an insolvency practitioner?
Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.

What’s a shy and retiring accountant?
An accountant who is half a million shy and that’s why he’s/she’s retiring.

How do you drive an accountant completely insane?
Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him and fold up a roadmap the wrong way.

What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don’t?
Depreciation.

What do actuaries do to liven up their office party?
Invite an accountant.

Why did the auditor cross the road?
Because he looked in the file and that’s what they did last year.

Why do accountants make good lovers?
They’re great with figures.

Why did the Accountant cross the road?
To bore the people on the other side!

What does CPA stand for?
Can’t Pass Again.

How do you know if an accountant is an extrovert or introvert?
An extrovert looks at your shoes when talking to you, an introvert looks at their shoes when talking to you.

What is the difference between tax avoidance and tax evasion?
Jail.

What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don’t?
Depletion.

What does an accountant use for birth control?
His personality.

What’s an extroverted accountant?
One who looks at your shoes while he’s talking to you instead of his own.

What’s an auditor?
Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.

There are three kinds of accountants in the world
Those who can count and those who can’t.

What’s an accountant’s idea of trashing his hotel room?
Refusing to fill out the guest comment card.

How do you drive an accountant completely insane?
Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him and fold up a road map the wrong way.

What’s the most wicked thing a group of young accountants can do?
Go into town and gang-audit someone.

What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don’t?
Depreciation.

Longer Story Jokes about Accounting and Accountants

Accountant and the Business Owner

There once was a business owner who was interviewing people for a division manager position. He decided to select the individual that could answer the question “how much is 2+2?”

The engineer pulled out his slide rule and shuffled it back and forth, and finally announced “It lies between 3.98 and 4.02”. The mathematician said “In two hours I can demonstrate it equals 4 with the following short proof.” The attorney stated “In the case of Svenson vs. the State, 2+2 was declared to be 4.” The trader asked “Are you buying or selling?”

The accountant looked at the business owner, then got out of his chair, went to see if anyone was listening at the door and pulled the drapes. Then he returned to the business owner, leaned across the desk and said in a low voice “What would you like it to be?”

Related: Very funny engineering jokes

Two Accountants in Bank Robbery

Two accountants are in a bank, when armed robbers burst in. While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the accountants, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc. While this is going on accountant number one jams something in accountant number two’s hand. Without looking down, accountant number two whispers, “What is this?” to which accountant number one replies, “it’s that $50 I owe you.”

Saint Peter and The Accountant

Saint Peter starts asking him all the usual questions required to get into heaven. The accountant, it seems, has repeatedly helped people cheat on their taxes and embezzle funds. Finally, in exasperation, St Peter asks, “Well, have you ever done anything good, anything totally unselfish and altruistic in your entire life?” “Well,” says the accountant, “Once I saw this pretty lady being beaten up and about to be raped by a bunch of bikers. So I yelled “Hey jerks, why don’t you pick on somebody your own size” and I then kicked all their hogs over, all six of em, and took off running. They forgot about her for a second and she managed to run also.

Saint Peter asks, “I’m looking through the book of your life, and I don’t see this incident recorded. When did it occur?”

The accountant replies, “About five minutes ago.”

Related: Funny Jokes about Math

An Account Leaves His Wife A Letter

An accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday evening. It reads:

“Dear Wife. This week I turned 54. I am going away for the weekend. I will be staying at the Hilton with my gorgeous, sexy, 18-year-old secretary.”

When he arrives at the hotel there is a letter waiting for him. It is from his wife. It reads:

“Dear Husband. I too am 54. I too am going away for the weekend. I will be staying at the Sheraton with my handsome and virile 18-year-old toy boy. You’re an accountant. You’ll appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18.”

An Account Goes to Heaven

An accountant dies and goes to Heaven. He is met by St Peter who goes through the usual questionnaire.

“What sort of accountant are you?” says St Peter
“Public Practitioner,” is the reply.

“Name?”

He gives his name. St Peter goes through some files and pulls one out.
“Oh, yes. We’ve been expecting you. You’ve reached your allotted span,” says St Peter.

“How can that be?” says the accountant. “I’m too young to go. I’m only forty-eight”
“No, that’s impossible. ”

“Why do you say that?”

“Well we’ve been looking at your time sheets and the hours you’ve charged your clients. By our reckoning you’re at least ninety three.”

The Secret in the Drawer

Mr. Evans was the Chief Accountant of a large manufacturing concern. Every day, on arriving at work, he would unlock the bottom drawer of his desk, peer at something inside, then close and lock the drawer.

He had done this for 25 years. The entire staff was intrigued but no-one was game to ask him what was in the drawer. Finally the time came for Mr. Evans to retire. There was a farewell party with speeches and a presentation.

As soon as Mr. Evans had left the building some of the staff rushed into his office, unlocked the bottom drawer and peered in. Taped to the bottom of the drawer was a sheet of paper. It read, “The debit side is the one nearest the window.”

The Tax Department Employee Wins the Contest

A local restaurant was so sure its massive Sumo chef was the strongest man around, they had a standing $1,000.00 offer that the chef would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass and then hand the lemon to a patron.

Anyone who could squeeze just one more drop of juice out of the lemon would walk away with the money. Many people had tried, including weight lifters and longshoremen, but nobody could do it.

One day a scrawny little man wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit came in and said in a tiny squeaky voice, “I’d like to try it”. After the laughter had died down the chef said ,”OK”. He grabbed a lemon and squeezed away.

Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. The crowd’s laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and one by one 6 drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd erupted into cheering, the chef paid the $1,000.00 and asked, “What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a builder’s laborer or what?”

He adjusted his glasses on his nose and said, “I work for the Tax Department.”

The Worrying Accountant

A young accountant, straight out of school, applies for a job advertised in the Sydney Morning Herald. He is interviewed by the owner of a small business who has built it up from scratch.

“I need someone with an accounting degree,” says the man, “but mainly I’m looking for someone to do my worrying for me.”

“How do you mean?” says the accountant.
“I have lots of things to worry about, but I want someone else to worry about money matters.”

“OK,” says the accountant. “How much are you offering?”
“You can start on seventy-five thousand,” says the owner.

“Seventy-five thousand dollars. How can a business like this afford to pay so much?”

“That,” says the man, “is your first worry.”

The Chief Financial Officer

An accountant applies for the position of Chief Financial Officer. There are a number of candidates and he is called in for an interview. They ask him a number of questions and one of the panel suddenly says “What is nine multiplied by four?”

He thinks quickly and says “Thirty five.” When the interview is over he goes outside, takes out his calculator and finds the correct answer is not thirty five. He thinks “Well, I blew that” and goes home very disappointed.

Next day he is rung up and told he has got the job. “Wonderful,” he says, “but what about nine multiplied by four? My answer wasn’t right.”
“We know, but of all the candidates you came the closest.”

The Deaf Accountant

There was this man that was an accountant for the mob. He happened to be deaf and mute. While working for the mob he collected over $500,000 by stealing from the books. The mob boss finds out about this and sends two hitmen to his house. Since the accountant was deaf and mute his brother translated what his brother said.
Hitman 1: Where is the money?
Accountant signs he does not know

Brother: He said he does not know

Hitman 2: Tell us where the money is or we will kill your wife and kids, burn down your house, and castrate you!

Accountant signs fast and furiously that the money is in a safe that is hidden in the floorboard of his closet and gives the combination.

Hitman 1: What did he say?
Brother: You don’t have the balls!

The Balloonist

A fellow has been learning to be a balloonist and takes his first solo flight. Unfortunately the wind gets up, he is blown off course and is forced to land.

He is in a paddock close to a road but has no idea where he is. He sees a car coming along the road and hails it. The driver gets out and the balloonist says, “Can you tell me where I am?’

“Yes, of course”, says the driver. “You have just landed in your balloon and with this wind you have obviously been blown off course. You are in the on Jim Hubble’s farm, 12.5 miles from Boerne. John will be plowing the paddock next week and sowing wheat. There is a bull in the paddock.

It is behind you and about to attack you.”

At that moment the bull reaches the balloonist and tosses him over the fence. Luckily he is unhurt. He gets up, dusts himself off and says to the driver, “I see you’re an accountant”.

“Good Grief”, says the other man, “you’re right. How did you know that?”

“I employ accountants,” says the balloonist. “The information you gave me was detailed, precise and accurate. Most of it was useless and it arrived far too late to be of any help.”

The Interview

A businessman was interviewing applicants for the position of divisional manager. He devised a simple test to select the most suitable person for the job. He asked each applicant the question, “What is two and two?”

The first interviewee was a journalist. His answer was “Twenty-two.”

The second applicant was an engineer. He pulled out a slide rule and showed the answer to be between 3.999 and 4.001.

The next person was a lawyer. He stated that in the case of Jenkins v Commr of Stamp Duties (Qld), two and two was proven to be four.
The last applicant was an accountant. The businessman asked him, “How much is two and two?”

The accountant got up from his chair, went over to the door and closed it then came back and sat down. He leaned across the desk and said in a low voice, “How much do you want it to be?”
He got the job.

Missing Accountant

A businessman tells his friend that his company is looking for a new accountant.

His friend asks, “Didn’t your company hire a new accountant a few weeks ago?”

The businessman replies, “That’s the accountant we’re looking for.”

A Heart

A fellow is walking into a hospital and sees two doctors down on their hands and knees in one of the flower beds. He goes over and says, “Can I help?

Have you lost something?” “No,” says one of the doctors. “We’re about to do a heart transplant on an accountant and we’re looking for a suitable stone.”

Three Accountants

Three accountants go to the men’s room to relieve themselves.

The first one finishes and walks over to the basin to wash his hands. He then proceeds to dry them carefully, using paper towel after paper towel until every spot of water is gone. He turns to the other two accountants and says, “CPAs are trained to be extremely thorough.”

The second one goes over to the basin, washes his hands and then dries them with one paper towel, using every corner of it until every spot of water is gone. He says, “Chartered Accountants are trained to be extremely thorough but also extremely efficient.”

The third accountant walks straight to the door. “Management Accountants learn never to piss on themselves.”

Gone to Heaven

There once was an accountant who lived her whole life without ever taking advantage of any of the people she worked for. In fact, she made sure that every job she did resulted in a win-win situation.

One day while walking down the street she was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.

“Welcome to Heaven,” said St. Peter. “Before you get settled in though it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we’ve never once had an accountant make it this far and we’re not really sure what to do with you.”

“No problem, just let me in.” said the accountant. “Well, I’d like to, but I have higher orders. What we’re going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in.”

“Actually, I think I’ve made up my mind…I prefer to stay in Heaven”
“Sorry, we have rules…”

And with that St. Peter put the accountant in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell. The doors opened and the accountant found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course.

In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends – fellow accountants that she had worked with and they were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her.
They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times.

They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kind of cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing.

The accountant was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved goodbye as she got on the elevator.

The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found St. Peter waiting for her. “Now it’s time to spend a day in heaven.”

So the accountant spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her.

“So, you’ve spent a day in hell and you’ve spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity.”

The accountant paused for a second and then replied, “Well, I never thought I’d say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell.”

So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again the accountant went down-down-down back to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks.

The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her. “I don’t understand,” stammered the accountant, “Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable.”

The Devil looked at her and smiled. “That’s because yesterday you were a recruit, but today you’re staff.”

The Sheep, The Farmer, and the Accountant

A man walking along a country road comes across a farmer droving a huge mob of sheep. He stops and chats for a while and then says, “Tell you what, I’ll bet you $100 against one of your sheep that I can tell you the exact number in that flock.”

The farmer thinks for a moment, it is a big mob and he can’t see how anyone could guess correctly so he says, “OK. You’re on.”

“Nine hundred and thirty two,” says the man.

The farmer takes off his hat and scratches his head. “I don’t know how you did it but that’s exactly right. A bet’s a bet. Take any sheep.”

The man picks up an animal and is about to walk off when the farmer says, “Hang on. Bet you double or nothing that I can guess your occupation.”

The man thinks, “How would he know, he’s never met me before” and says “Right. You’re on”.

The farmer says, “You’re an auditor with a Big Six firm.”
The man whistles. “How the heck did you know that?”

“Well,” says the farmer, “put my dog down and I’ll tell you.”

Related: The Funniest Jokes about Farmers

The Parrot

An accountant goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner shows him three identical parrots on a perch and says, “The parrot on the left costs $500.”

“Why does that parrot cost so much?” asks the accountant.
“Well,” replies the owner, “it knows how to do complex audits.”
“How much does the middle parrot cost?” asks the accountant.

“That one costs $1,000 because it can do everything the first one can do plus it knows how to prepare financial forecasts”.

The startled accountant asks about the third parrot, to be told it costs $4,000. Needless to say, this begs the question, “What can it do?”

To which the owner replies “To be honest, I’ve never seen him do a darn thing, but the other two call him Senior Partner.”

The Three Partners

Three partners in an accounting firm go out to lunch. They are the audit partner, the tax partner and the senior partner. One of them sees a brass lamp lying in the gutter. Curious, they pick it up and give it a rub. Instantly, a genie appears.

“You know the deal,” says the genie. “Three wishes. But seeing there are three of you, you can have one wish each.”

“Great,” says the audit partner. “Take me to Hawaii, give me a blonde and an endless supply of condoms and leave me there for ever.”
Pouf! There is a flash of light, a puff of smoke and he is gone.

“Now me,” says the tax partner. “Take me to the Fiji Islands, give me two blondes and an endless supply of offshore tax schemes and leave me there for ever.”

Pouf! There is a flash of light, a puff of smoke and he is gone.

The genie turns to the senior partner. “And what do you want?”
“I want those two back in the office straight after lunch.”

You Might Be An Accountant If….

• Your idea of trashing your hotel room is refusing to fill out the guest comment card
• You refer to your child as Deduction 214
• You deduct Exlax as “Moving expenses”
• At the movie Indecent Proposal you did a NPV calculation
• You decide to change your name to a symbol and you choose the double underline “=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D”
• You have no idea that GAP is also a clothing store