The Funniest Lawyer Jokes Ever!

Lawyer Jokes

Lawyer jokes are some of the funniest ones out there. Why?

The Funniest Lawyer Jokes

Start with the super funny one liner jokes and then move on to the story jokes.

One Liner Lawyer Jokes

Did you hear they just released a new Barbie doll called “Divorced Barbie”? Yeah, it comes with half of Ken’s things and alimony.

Why did God make snakes just before lawyers?
To practice.

Why did God invent lawyers?
So that real estate agents would have someone to look down on.

What’s the difference between a vacuum cleaner and a lawyer on a motorcycle?
The vacuum cleaner has the dirt bag on the inside.

Related: The Funniest Jokes about Motorcycles

What’s the difference between an attorney and a pit bull?
Jewelry.

What’s black and brown and looks good on an attorney?
A doberman pinscher.

What’s the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
The lawyer charges more.

What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a bar association convention?
The caterer.

What do lawyers do after they die?
They lie still.

What’s the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes before you jump on a trampoline.

What do you call a lawyer gone bad?
Senator

What’s the difference between God and a lawyer?
God does not think he is a lawyer!

What’s the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?
One is a slimy, bottom dwelling, scum sucker. The other is a fish.

How many lawyers does it take to stop a moving bus?
Never enough.

How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they’d rather keep their clients in the dark.

What’s the difference between a porcupine and a Mercedes Benz full of lawyers? The porcupine has pricks on the outside.

What’s the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer?
A bad lawyer can let a case drag out for several years. A good lawyer can make it last even longer.

What’s the problem with lawyer jokes?
Lawyer’s don’t think they’re funny, and no one else thinks they’re jokes.

Where can you find a good lawyer?
At the city morgue.

How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
His lips are moving.

What’s the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
There are skid marks in front of the dog.

What’s the difference between a female lawyer and a pitbull?
Lipstick.

What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand? A
Not enough sand.

What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 100?
Your Honor.

What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50
Senator.

Why did God make snakes just before lawyers?
To practice.

What’s the difference between lawyers and buzzards?
Lawyers have removable wing tips.

What’s the difference between a jellyfish and a lawyer?
One’s a spineless, poisonous blob. The other is a form of sea life.

If you are stranded on a desert island with Adolph Hitler, Atilla the Hun, and a lawyer, and you have a gun with only two bullets, what do you do?
Shoot the lawyer twice.

What’s the difference between a bankrupt attorney and a pigeon?
The pigeon can still make a deposit on a Mercedes.

What’s the difference between a lawyer and a terrorist?
You can negotiate with a terrorist.

What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start!

Why is going to a meeting of the Bar Association like going into a bait shop?
Because of the abundance of suckers, leeches, maggots and nightcrawlers

What’s the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A vampire only sucks blood at night.

When lawyers die, why don’t vultures eat them?
Even a vulture has taste.

What do honest lawyers and UFOs have in common?
You always hear about them, but you never see them.

How many personal injury attorneys does it take to change a light bulb? Three–one to turn the bulb, one to shake him off the ladder, and the third to sue the ladder company.

What do you call a smiling, courteous person at a bar association convention?
The caterer.

What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
An offer you can’t understand.

What’s the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer?
A bad lawyer makes your case drag on for years. A good lawyer makes it last even longer.

What’s the difference between a lawyer and a leech?
After you die, a leech stops sucking your blood.

What’s the difference between a lawyer and God?
God doesn’t think he’s a lawyer.

What do dinosaurs and decent lawyers have in common?
They’re both extinct.

How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
Their lips are moving.

What’s the difference between a lawyer and a liar?
The pronunciation.

What’s the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.

What’s the difference between a mosquito and a lawyer?
One is a blood-sucking parasite, the other is an insect.

What do you get when you cross a blonde and a lawyer?
I don’t know. There are some things even a blonde won’t do.

How many lawyer jokes are there?
Only three. The rest are true stories.

How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three, One to climb the ladder. One to shake it. And one to sue the ladder company.

What are lawyers good for?
They make used car salesmen look good.

What’s the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
There are skid marks in front of the skunk.

Why won’t sharks attack lawyers?
Professional courtesy.

What is the definition of a shame (as in “that’s a shame”)?
When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.

What is the definition of a “crying shame”?
There was an empty seat.

What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
An offer you can’t understand

Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?
From chasing parked ambulances.

Where can you find a good lawyer?
In the cemetery

Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.

Longer Story Jokes about Attorneys and Lawyers

Who Did It ??

A lawyer charging a high fee, a lawyer charging a low fee and Santa Claus were seated around a table in the center of which was $10,000. The lights went off. When the lights came back on the $10,000 was missing. Who took it ?

Answer: The lawyer charging the high fee took it because the other two are a figment of your imagination.

God Grants Wishes

The night before a couple were about to be married, they both were killed in a car accident. They arrived in Heaven and asked St. Peter if they could still get married.

The couple were called in to actually see God. God spoke, ‘I will grant you your wish. But not right now. It may be a few days or a few years, but I will allow you to be married.’

Five years came and went and the couple were finally call upon to get married. After one day of wedding ‘bliss’, they went back to God to see if they could get a divorce. They were sure the marriage would not last.

God spoke, ‘It took me five years to finally get a priest in Heaven. Do you have any idea how much longer it will be until we get a lawyer?!’

Don’t Know!

A policeman arrives at the scene of an accident, in which a car smashed into a tree.
The cop rushes over to the vehicle and asks the driver Vickie, “Are you seriously hurt?”
“How do I know?” Vickie responds. “I’m not a lawyer!”

The Doctor and the Lawyer

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.

After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, “What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you’re out of the office?”

“I give it to them,” replied the lawyer, “and then I send them a bill.”
The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

A Lawyer Goes to Heaven….Yea Right.

A lawyer dies and goes to heaven. Once he reaches the pearly gates, St. Peter approaches him and says, “Oh, its you. Follow me.”

At that a white limousine pulled up. The lawyer stepped in and they sped off. On the way the lawyer stared out the window. First he saw someone that looked familiar. He said, “Hey, isn’t that St. Jerome?”

St. Peter replied, “Yes, that is.”

The lawyer was puzzled by the living conditions. He was living in a pup tent and traveling around on a bike. They pulled up to a white mansion with a staff of twenty and anything to entertain himself that he wanted.

St. Peter said to him, “Are there any questions you have for me before you are left to your eternity?”
“Yes!” said the lawyer. “Why do the saints live in such terrible conditions and mine are so great?”
Saint Peter replied, “We have had hundreds of saints but you’re our first lawyer”

The Train Engineer

In a terrible accident at a railroad crossing, a train smashed into a car and pushed it nearly four hundred yards down the track. Though no one was killed, the driver of the car took the train company to court.

At the trial, the engineer insisted that he had given the driver ample warning by waving his lantern back and forth for nearly a minute. He even stood and convincingly demonstrated how he’d done it. The court believed his story, and the suit was dismissed.

“Congratulations,” the lawyer said to the engineer when it was over. “You did superbly under cross-examination.”

“Thanks,” he said, “but he sure had me worried.”
“How’s that?” the lawyer asked.
“I was afraid he was going to ask if the damned lantern was lit!”

Related: Funny Jokes about Engineers!

The Dying Man, His Lawyer, Doctor and Clergyman

A dying man gathered his Lawyer, Doctor and Clergyman at his bed side and handed each of them an envelop containing $25,000 in cash. He made them each promise that after his death and during his repose, they would place the three envelopes in his coffin. He told them that he wanted to have enough money to enjoy the next life.

A week later the man died. At the Wake, the Lawyer and Doctor and Clergyman, each concealed an envelop in the coffin and bid their old client and friend farewell.

By chance, these three met several months later. Soon the Clergyman, feeling guilty, blurted out a confession saying that there was only $10,000 in the envelop he placed in the coffin. He felt, rather than waste all the money, he would send it to a Mission in South America.

He asked for their forgiveness. The Doctor, moved by the gentle Clergyman’s sincerity, confessed that he too had kept some of the money for a worthy medical charity. The envelope, he admitted, had only $8000 in it. He said, he too could not bring himself to waste the money so frivolously when it could be used to benefit others.

By this time the Lawyer was seething with self-righteous outrage. He expressed his deep disappointment in the felonious behavior of two of his oldest and most trusted friends. I am the only one who kept his promise to our dying friend. I want you both to know that the envelop I placed in the coffin contained the full amount.

Indeed, my envelope contained my personal check for the entire $25,000.

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